mixed emotions

happy & weird. we are so happy for one of our girls who heard her birth mom's voice for the first time in her life yesterday. she said, "i'm a little nervous since i've never met her in my...well...entire life...ever." if you are a parent imagine what it would be like to hear your baby's voice for the first time as a 9 year old. it's a little overwhelming to think about. it was a sweet conversation. when her mother answered the phone i said, "she's a little nervous to talk to you...ok? but she's just going to ask you a bunch of questions. are you o.k.," i asked. "Well, i'm nervous too." she said. i handed our daughter the phone before i lost my composure. it is a little surreal to hear your child tell the God-ordained woman, who chose to give her life and not abort her, that she "would need to ask her parents before she could meet her face-to-face." it's such a messy world. but thanks be to God that He is already all we need. sad. we are so sad for another daughter who was crushed by her own sadness in realizing that her birth mom is not in a place where she can make contact right now. she pretended for a moment that she was her birth mom and tried to imagine why she was unable to make this connection. "maybe she's scared," she said. "maybe she has other kids." "maybe she..." she searched for reasons. "what do you think we can do about this?" her daddy asked. "maybe we can pray for her." she stated -feeling defeated and alone. "maybe we can call the agency again." sounding a tad more hopeful. the sad fact, however, is that she knows that their is a mom- her mom-that she has never seen. as she, my insightful 7 year old, says, "imagine you were born and you never got to open your eyes and see her face." those words, from her, make my heart implode. heavy and crushing. no matter the circumstances...i wish she could see her. there is no way to prepare yourself for the emotions that you feel on the journey of adoption. you can prepare for it about the same way you prepare for a traumatic birthing/c-section experience. a lot of techniques and ideas. they are helpful but still lacking. we are doing things now that we swore we would never do. why? because it is best for our children. inconvenient? yes. messy? yes. best? yes.

Catch up.

I have not posted in over a year. i have never typed those words before. i am constantly proofing commentary in my head...i feel like Will Ferrell in Stranger Than Fiction...constantly hearing the narration of his events. i have absolutely no idea why i am like this. maybe it is becaure i love being part of a Story. i mean...it amazes me that there is purpose and connection in everthing. Amos was adopted on my 40th birthday. wow. he is now 2 years old and into everything.shortly after his adoption everything seemed to go haywire for a while. ellie, my now 11 yr old, began a year of hospitalization. she was in Childrens Hospital 12 times in a year for 3-6 day stays at a time. we have since discovered that she has a genetic mutation. one little gene...that should produce a protien to protect her pancrease against pancreatitis...does not. she is on medicine now and has been home for 2 months. needless to say- we are beyond thankful. Life has gone from fast to furious since our oldest turned from 12 to 13. all of the activities and "well-rounding" can develop a life of it's own. pulling the reigns in and letting them out is a dance that we are learning like every other parent our age. i am so thankful that we are with her during the day, everyday. she does attend a university model school, two days a week, that has been such a blessing for the past two years. her DI team will go to Globals in about 3 weeks. i am really proud of her for working so hard. my two little girls are growing up too fast. lu & zoe are passionate about everything! i must say, they keep us all on our toes. they are such a joy. We are enjoying the day to day. We are loving our church...and God has blessed it with growth, families & life. we are busy all of the time. life with 5 kids is everything that you can imagine and more. we are very blessed. i cannot imagine life without any of my children. I am excited about several upcoming opportunities to teach on foster and adoptive care. because we live this in HD...i love the opportunities to share about our experience. God has really stretched me this year. He has, in many ways, shown me a crisper picture of my desire to hold on to "goods and kindred". i am ashamed of my lack of trust. i see my need for Him more clearly this year than the last.

Adoption is...

difficult.

we are in our 9th year of foster/adoptive care. i must say that we were completely ill-equipped to enter this ministry. i hope that you find encouragement and comfort in those words. seriously, if we can do it- anyone can. that being said-it's not for everyone. i have friends in the adoption world that will completely disagree with me on that point. they hold to the conviction that as long as they have an empty bed and there is a child that needs one- then they should adopt them. i am not criticizing their view because my friends who believe this way are not idiots. they are not uneducated. they just believe differently than i do.

today was by far the most difficult of all days.

when people say, "I've had my child since birth" so as to eliminate themselves from the difficulties concerning adoptees- they are naive. their child has been carried in the body of another woman for 9 months. they share the same everything. they have the same neurochemistry, same DNA, they have eaten the same foods, listened to the same music, and they recognize their mother's voice. they can be soothed by simply being laid on their mother's chest. Every child has a history- even if they come home at 41 weeks. For some of them, their mom's have been in turmoil since the day they discovered that they were pregnant. For others their was addiction. Some of the mom's & dad's loved their child so much that placing them was the most difficult & most responsible decision that they ever made. But they were with them...inside of them...for 9 months.

our children have no memory of their birth parents.

we have always been open with our kiddos concerning their story. it is theirs. i would want to know my story. imagine knowing nothing about your family and trying to piece together anything. Not knowing who you resemble or the details of their life. not understanding the "whys" of your placement. wondering if you've seen your birthparents unknowingly. it's all very overwhelming when you think about it. we share any pictures, memories, special gifts from relatives, etc. with them. and we talk it to death...when they need to. and when they "need to" can be completely unpredictable.

today was one of those days.

i went to the grocery store early this morning. when i returned, greg was in the middle of "redirecting, re-doing, time in" with said child. it was a battle in process. by the time it was over all was good but i knew something more was evolving. one of the many things that we have learned after much reading and many hours of training is that when children from hard places act crazy-they are usually scared. when they act angry- they are usually sad. we have seen much anger in the last several months. we discussed it last night and came to the agreement that age, felt safety, and several other factors are producing more of these outburst. 15 minutes later and we were right back in the vortex. i directed the child to the living room where we sat on the floor and i began to probe. "Why do you think you're feeling so angry?" She answered harshly with, " Everyone is mean and i feel like a piece of trash that's been thrown out." That's pretty complex & descriptive for someone who was just suppose to be finding their flip-flops. "Well, it sounds to me like you're sad. What do you think you could be sad about? Sometimes when we're sad we treat people the way we feel." it was instantaneous. She softened and began to weep. She said, "I don't want to hurt you, but I i just want to go to (city) and find my birth mom and tell her that i love her and i want to make sure that she's not making bad choices." For the record- we have NEVER said that she made "bad choices". We have always talked about the great choice that she made to "place her with us." She wept for close to thirty minutes. I held her and wept with her because you know, when you are a mom, you hurt when your babies hurt...especially when you can do nothing about it! I prayed with her that "her mom's heart would be changed and that she would, if it was God's will, call the agency and ask for everything that this child has sent to her." after a while we went to the table for her to draw a picture. i thought this would help her to calm down and hopefully serve as therapy in some way. She said, "I want to draw a picture of me & her to sleep with under my pillow." After a bit, she was through and the "moment" was over.

It comes on fast, and ends abruptly.

She had a snack and the rest of her day was pretty rough. Around 3:30 I made her lay down for a nap because I was so emotionally drained. She slept until 6:30. After dinner I spent some exclusive time with her in order for her to know that we were okay. It ended with Junie B. Jones and a bowl of chips.

To say that I love her is an understatement. I was born to be her mother.

So why do I post all of this?

Because it is important for everyone to know that this is what it looks like. Real life is messy. It is important for you to know that my child is grieving. not symbolically- in real life. she is grieving someone that she has no memory of...and she really loves her...and she knows that she is her "real" mom....and she knows that she is not with her...and that's a very difficult reality to compartmentalize. it bleeds like a crazy cut to the jugular and it soaks to the core of every aspect of her life...and by our choice...ours too! if we do not embrace her suffering and help her carry it- she will stop talking and she will bleed to death internally. It is so important that our families, churches and schools understand what is going on in their little brains and it is important for us to make space for them to figure out their place in the Greater Story.

Life is short....engage.

Isn't it amazing how the most difficult circumstances are usually accompanied by the sweetest gifts. Mother Theresa said, "Suffering is the kiss of Jesus." Sharing in His suffering brings sweet intimacy with Him.

I Hit The Wall.

I am sure that this will come as a surprise to many of you, but I am bothered by a lot of noise. This is very interesting even to me. I was raised in a large family. I had loud friends. I was loud. I liked my music loud and my fun loud. I worked as a youth minister, where noise is a must. One morning, however, I woke up to the noise of four little girls. My daughters. The main problem is that I can't send them home. They have to stay. They all like to talk all at once. One of them likes to sing any song, other than the one that is on the radio, at the same time that we are all trying to enjoy the one that has purchased air time. One of them screams every word that comes out of her mouth and one of them whines every word that comes out of hers. One of the girls is extremely dramatic and likes to yell phrases like, "Fine! I won't play then! It's too late!" The problem is that none of the things that she yells is contextually appropriate for the issue that she is responding to. Tonight all of these children made mush of my brains. I texted a friend of mine to see if she would watch the precious angels for one hour. I didn't hear back from her. One of my friends called, who is the mother of three, has a wounded leg & had had people at her house all day. When she VOLUNTEERED to keep the girls for an hour I was a little hesitant. But, that didn't last long. I took the girls over there and Greg and I went to Chili's for one hour. In the car on the way to her house it reminded me of the Sunny D commercial where the parents are starring into oblivion and the teen aged girl is singing off key while the brother is playing a video game. By the time that we dropped them off we were literally like, "Let's not say a word...Let's just be quiet and press delete." After an hour we had regrouped and actually went back to the house where we had left our children and picked them back up. That to me is the amazing part of parenting. One always goes back. Huh.
After we got home, Greg put the two little ones to bed. If your house is like my house, for some odd reason all of the children seem to obey the dad a little more quickly than the mom. We made some coffee and sat down to watch Collision, which I strongly recommend. We pre-ordered this several months ago and have been anxiously awaiting its arrival. GREAT way to end the night. LOVE a great debate. All of us need to re-think our beliefs. We all need to ask ourselves difficult questions as well as welcome difficult questions from others. Inter-acting with new ideas should not scare us. Other people doing things differently than how we ourselves do things should not make us feel insecure or stir up self doubt. Answering the why questions should lead us to a stronger understanding of what we truly believe.
I am so thankful that I have Greg. I am so thankful that I have my children. I honestly do not know what I would do without them....except sleep...I would sleep. I am thankful for family, friends, coffee & grace.
Lucy Grace has started saying something new. almost every morning while stirring her "PICK" of the flavored oatmeal, she says, "Mommy, this is the best day of my life." Oh to be that thankful. To open a box of variety oatmeal, where only Peach has been left to choose, and to still think that this is the BEST day of your life- that is real gratitude.

So glad He bought this...

Greg ordered this book and we started reading it tonight. I love it. It is no secret that I am a fan of Dr. Voddie Baucham. This book is for everyone. Very motivating.