rest.

it was so nice to get to go away this weekend with a friend. i actually slept through the night last night. my kids are not great sleepers. it seems like every night i am awakened by at least one of them. it's not fun. however, as they get older they seem to make up for all of their lost sleep and want to hibernate for days. as i am reflecting on the past two days i am thoughtful of tomorrow. as believers, we begin our week with Rest. yes, we start our week with Rest and we live the remainder of the week with an eye and heart to "entering our Rest" again with the approaching week. REST. it means so much to me right now. when i was growing up, different leaders would say, "you come to church to perform for an audience of One." i understood that they were saying, "don't worry about others around you. just worship the Lord who sees you." the problem, however, is this- We come to Worship to see God perform. He is speaking. He is giving us gifts (communion, baptism, community). His Glory is on display. We even worship as receivers. Thanks be to God! So tomorrow morning, as you get the kids dressed, fed, listen to the arguing that comes naturally in families, grab your coffee, and as you run out the door, remember- it is worth it. Why? Because the God of the universe, the One who formed you and chose you, says, "Come unto Me & I will GIVE you REST."

I love (stuff) too much

I am writing this now but will post it later. At this time my husband and I are involved in what we would consider to be an extensive fast. We have fasted in the past- but never at the same time. So far, during this time, I have fractured my foot, our washer has gone out, we had the worst fight of our 15 years of marriage, we had to buy a new dishwasher, and last night our heater went out- and it just so happens that it is the coldest day of the year thus far. Simultaneously, we felt led to foster care again, someone gave us $1000 on the day that our heater died and our spiritual awareness has sharpened markedly and my concern for earthly goods has drastically diminished. I am seriously aware of how quickly these goods waste away.(my body included) I am also keenly aware of the trust I put in things of the world and the immeasurable amount of comfort that they bring to me. God save me!
I pray for grace to persevere in this fast. It feels as if it will go on forever. I know that I can do it because the past keeps reminding me. But I must confess: Though my face is not long -my heart is. I miss Eating. I miss feeling physically full. But I must confess- I hate feeling out of control. My eating-worship habits have been crazy. I rarely deny myself of anything. So capturing this desire has made me feel strongly indebted to the Lord who has given me the power in Christ to conquer this Maniac that seeks to devour me through my own devouring. Whether that is shopping, giving my opinion, having my way, choosing to be distracted rather than engaged or beginning my day with Matt Lauer instead of Jesus Christ. Whatever the sin may be- it is still sin.
It is unbelief.
I think that during this time we have sacked up and given away about 25 bags of clothes, toys and junk. Stuff that we like, things that make us feel good about ourselves, and make others feel good about us. These things tend to woo me away from the God that whispers, "Be in the world not of the world". I must confess, I like quirky things. i like to hold on to stuff i might need. i like to "pass down". guess what- i think the lord has freed me from this. i pray that this is the case. i pray that he, in his grace, effectually moves me to hold on loosely to everything as a provision for that day alone. (Give us this day our daily bread.)

Loosing Me

The most difficult transition for me, concerning parenthood, over the past twelve years has been loosing myself. I have noticed that I have become a very un-opinionated individual concerning "stuff". I really do not care a whole lot anymore about where we eat, if I get to buy a new pair of Tom's or if we watch Discovery or NatGeo. (Now, music is an entirely different subject!) I think that I, concerning our family, am learning slowly but surely, how to let go.
When Abby was 2 1/2 and Ellie was about 4 months, I got a job. "I needed a job so that I felt like I was accomplishing something." It is really comical to me to read that statement now, however, then it was survival. I remember telling Greg that I didn't feel as if I could accomplish one task all day - that I wouldn't have to turn right around and re-do due to the precious 2 year old. So I got a job at Starbucks and believe me, I felt great pride in taking the trash out there, cleaning the store and making drinks that seemed like gold to the customer.
Now, I am busy all day- re-doing what I did the day before. I am washing all of the time. Picking up plates, re-filling milk cups & picking up wet towels. I am building,however, one block at a time, one day at a time, one encouraging word, one "good job", one pat at a time. I have learned that in loosing me I am finding me.
I think that at the beginning of every school year I have to re-focus. I have to preach the Gospel to myself. I must re-new my mind and my will. I am seeing though, by God's grace, what I was unable to see before. My grandchildren need me now, to pour into their mom's. My future son-in-laws are relying on me to train, mold, indoctrinate and teach-how-to-follow, their future wives. I have felt, and now more than ever, the weight of this God-given purpose.

Worship - Part 1

This past week I spoke @ MOPS. I have never been to a Mom's of Preschoolers meeting. This was the last formal meeting of the year so they had a guest speaker...me! Multi-generations were represented because the Mom Mentors were also at the meeting. I was given the topic: Balancing It All...which morphed into: Balancing the Right Things. The pre-morph topic felt a little too abstract to me- like using a debit or credit card. In my world those cards seem to represent all of the money in the world available to me. :) So, the Fields' had to switch to the cash system. That is something manageable and measurable to me. It's real and makes sense. That's the post-morph topic: Balancing the Right Things.
1. First Thing First: Worship - In our families, Lord's Day Worship should be a non-negotiable. It is commanded. It is separate from other days. Our whole week should be leading to this pinnacle event. If you want to see your children begin to structure all of life around worship and begin to see them connect and start to depend on their community of faith- start moving toward Sunday.
What does this look like? Let's start with Sunday and work backwards. We get up and get ready for worship. We try to keep this day open so that we can hang out with the people that we worship with. We eat with them, talk about the sermon, share about our week and how God moved on our behalf, our struggles and our sins. See, the believer begins their week with rest! Sunday is the first day of the week. We, in a sense, are entering into our rest at the beginning of every week. Beautiful re-creation! It's the day that we show up to watch God perform.
Now let's back up to Saturday. On Saturday my entire view is toward Sunday. I think about Sunday lunch. What are we having? Who are we having over? I do not commit to things that are going to have me or my family out too late. I plan things that are complete around dinner. We don't do late movies or concerts, sporting events or hanging out with friends till 2 a.m.. After dinner I have everything that my kids need for Sunday worship laid out on the table. That would be: shoes, clothes, glasses, bible, church bag with snacks...etc) and I have breakfast on the bar for the next morning: muffins, donuts, etc. We have to be walking out of the house no later than 9:50 a.m.. Now, let me speak freely. This is when I usually let out a big sigh when I am talking with someone about this because they usually say or think - "That's too much work." Do I even need to go into all of the problems I have with that statement? I see parents bust their backsides to re-pack back packs, pack snacks, fruit break, sign papers, layout clothes for the next day, feed them breakfast and get them all out of the house by 7:30. What one does communicates more than one what one says. They know what the important things are to you. Why do we put that much strain, effort, preparation for things that are not commanded? Why? Why do we delight in those things and not in corporate worship?
Now, let's back up to Friday
- This is the night that we usually plan our late events, late dates, late concerts and late hang outs. Yes, I know that all of these things do not happen on Friday nights. I do not think that the measure of your Christianity hangs on weather or not you go to a James Taylor Concert, that happens to be on a Saturday night. But I will say this- on the night of my Senior Prom my mom & dad allowed me to stay out very late. Very, Very late. After breakfast, my Dad told me to go get ready for church. I knew that the next morning I would be worshiping with my family. Here I sit typing 20 years later. If I am going to run my kids, or myself all day & night, I want to do it on a day when they have the whole next day to rest.
The rest of the week: Thursday, Wednesday, Tuesday and Monday, for us, looks something like this:
On Monday I might say to my girls: Who in our church body can we send a nice card to?
On Tuesday I can say: Who in our church body can we pray for?
On Wednesday I say: Who do we worship with that we can have over for lunch or dinner?
On Thursday: How can our family serve another family?
*note- This might feel mechanical at first.

Some of you are probably thinking, "I don't have time to do this." As a believer, all of life should look something like this. We all have the same amount of time. Hopefully your pot is being stirred a little...Hopefully you're asking, "Why is it SO important to center everything around corporate worship?"

Simply put- Because the Bible tells us too. Where are we on a journey to? ALL of life is a journey that will culminate in full and final corporate worship.
All of life HERE should be a miniature copy of our life THERE. The NOW and the NOT YET.

What would you say your life is centered around now? What needs to change in order for you to have a Sunday view?

(to be continued : 2. Second Thing Second)

The Sunshine State

I am in a state of organization right now. It's May! We are cleaning out all of the old books, clothes and dried up markers. We have so much excess that we are choking. A couple of weeks ago we sacked up five trash bags full of toys. And guess what- we STILL have too many. I have noticed that everything is replaceable. We can get rid of coffee mugs and 6 months later our cabinets are completely full again. Clothes are the worst. No matter how many clothes we give away there always seems to be more than we have room to store. Some of this is because we have four girls so the hand-me-down scene can get to be pretty consuming.
I decided, after much deliberation, to convert the study into a school room. I have drug my feet on this for quite a while. We have made it fine in the past doing school at the kitchen table. Now, however, with both of the older girls using real text and hard resources, we have no choice. Everything needs to be in one location...and that one location is not all over my house. So, we were really excited when we found desk at a local thrift store. We threw them in the truck, came home and the re-vamp began. It has been a painful process. The big girls, who are finished with school for the year, were wishing they had some Math or English to complete. It was rough. We had to move a ton of Greg's books up to the upper levels of the bookshelves, move a bed out of there and of course all of the trash that seems to hide in a room when the furniture has not been moved for 3 years. After this accomplishment- that I must say they did a great job helping with- we started on flipping the older girl's room to the younger girl's room and vice verse. I am glad that I included them in this process because the older they get they seem to appreciate my efforts more when they partake in the difficulty of the task. :) So, needless to say, there are still little piles everywhere. There are batteries, spools of thread, a flip-flop...it's like they've formed this little refugee camp in my hall. They have no place to call home and they're just hanging out...together.
All of this has caused me to feel unsettled. Now, I know, because I payed a lot of money for my Counseling degree, that I do not have to justify why I feel what I feel. But because I never underwent formal counseling, I will explain.
Pulling things out of their "place" and relocating other "things" to make new spots for old stuff causes me to have to make decisions and ask questions. "How much do I have invested in ________________ ? If _____________ means a lot to me then I keep _________________. But in most scenarios I find that most of what I have surrounded myself with is void of any investment. It's just nothing...taking up space....and cluttering my world. That's ____________ depressing. That really causes me to have to take a hard look at what I let enter into my space and consume my time...and believe me- managing stuff can consume ones time. Don't get me wrong...I'm not a hoarder. I'm just a normal Claire Huxtable, June Cleaver, Rosanne, with a house full of kids and a dog. Trying to manage stuff is basically my job. "Where are my shoes?" "Have you seen the keys?" "What happened to all of the pencils?" "Who has my toothbrush?" Saying goodbye to clutter is like an autopsy. "Let's see what we did in the month of April'09? What did we eat, what receipts are we saving from clothes and other junk that were purchased? Where did all of our time get spent?"
I think that it is so beneficial to manage your family & resources well. Most of my kiddos bad habits can be traced back to me. I want them to be able to let go of things that don't really matter in life. However, when I am gripping at them about all of the junk that is laying on their floor- i really do have to take a look at my space!
This week two friends of mine lost their mom to cancer. She had grown up in this town and everyone knew her. For some reason she thought that when she died it would go fairly unnoticed. She had joked with one of her daughters about that. However, the opposite was true. Many came to share their grief with others who expressed the same sentiments. When I called the florist to have an arrangement made the sweet lady said, "She was my husband's first crush when he was 14 years old." History. Lives lived around the same people for decades. Time not wasted on meaningless stuff.
Digging out of the clutter, removing excess baggage, simple living... is like heading to the beach the day after school lets out. I remember the summer after my senior year, I had a little jeep that I loved. In May, right before it gets too hot, the weather is perfect outside. With the top off of a jeep you can experience, truly, one of the most enjoyable rides of your life. Seriously, the evening air is great, the stereo doesn't have to be loud to hear it, but if it is people excuse it because "you're in a jeep." There is one thing that you never, ever, forget when you are driving any type of convertible: you cannot have stuff laying around that is going to fly out. Put it up or throw it away -but it cannot stay on the seat.
As I drive toward the beach, I want to get rid of unused, unimportant, things. Why? So that I have time to invest in real things- people, relationships, activities that produce stronger relationships. The less time I spend managing the excess- the more time I make for myself & others. The less activities, busy work & shuttling to and fro that I do, the more time i have to engage, listen and discuss. I want to live in a calmer state. I know that sounds ridiculous at this stage in my life. It's true, however. I want to live live like I'm leaving for the summer...take out the trash, give the milk & eggs to the neighbor, have a change of clothes and don't forget your bathing suit.

The Prayer of St Francis

"Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon:
where there is doubt, faith ;
where there is despair, hope
where there is darkness, light
where there is sadness, joy
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen."

Over the past month this prayer has been written in our order of worship...we have also been saying it together in our family worship times. I like to say this prayer for obvious reasons. It cuts against the grain of all that comes natural to me. It has convicted me and produced greater focus in my life. I am a very active person. The flow of people in and out of my home is not something that I begrudge. Actually, it invigorates me. Greg and I have often talked about how we feel that having people in our home has helped our marriage. There are times that while we are in dialogue with others we are hearing each other express thoughts that maybe we weren't understanding when it was just us trying to "discuss" a topic. I have often said, "We're going to give our lives for something- it might as well be people and relationships!" However, when saying this prayer- my eyes have been opened to something...the first sentence.
"Lord, Make me an instrument of your peace."
I am always surprised by the way I can hear things 1000 times and then one day - it is deafening.
I went to buy a dress today. I have two weddings to go to in May. One wedding is in the evening and one is in the afternoon. I have a good friend who is trying to "dress" me for the occasion. All who know me know that I am a fairly "comfortable" dressing individual. So when the time came for this decision to be made- my only input was "I have to look like I didn't try." I hate flashing back to elementary school when my dark jeans with the red balloons on the pockets, matched my red belt and red socks as well as the red ribbons in my pig tails. It was too matchy-matchy. I felt like a K-Mart girl. Like I bought it all as a set from K-Mart. So, that is basically my fashion criteria...it just has to look like I didn't try too hard to make it work and no matching "sets".
In the Gospel of Matthew, we are told "You are the Light." "You are the Salt." Light and Salt? Of all of the great things on the earth that the Creator could've chosen- why these two?
In my estimation - they are natural change agents. They are things that do not have to try. They do their job by being what they were created to be. No thought, No trying, No mouth for talking...just being. Of all the things that HE could have dreamed up to instruct US -it was two objects that exert NO effort at all. They cannot make themselves morph into something else. They cannot appear to be something else. They're just salt & light.
"Lord, MAKE ME an instrument of your peace."
I must admit- I am not sure what this is. I think it is someone who seeks to live in such a way that they right wrongs. I believe that it is someone who lives in such a way that they bring order to chaos. I hope that I am someone that looks for ways to encourage others rather than making them feel stupid. I pray that I can live without so that others might have. Fostering peace, being an "instrument of peace" is something transformational. It is not something that I can just make happen. I tried to be a vegetarian one time...and no lie- at noon I was on the phone with a friend telling her that I had decided to be one and "had started this morning"...and while I was talking to her I was eating a hamburger...I had completely FORGOTTEN! and made a big 'ol side of beef for lunch! That is the honest truth.
"Lord, MAKE ME...
an instrument of your peace."
That is my prayer.

I have been thinking...

a lot about contentment. I tend to think about "the next thing." I was recalling a friend of mine who constantly fussed about his context. The city was too hot, the people were all fake, the student life style was not satisfying, working on a PhD is so time consuming...etc. The next place they moved for their life to finally "begin" ended two months later with the spouses announcement that she was "done with the marriage". I have often wondered, "What if the next place turns out to be worse and all the while I've not enjoyed where I am because I was in a hurry to get somewhere I didn't want to be."
This morning is Saturday. All across the world people are relaxing in their pj's, drinking coffee and preparing for tomorrow. What if we decided to stop preparing. Really. Just for one day. I have a pile of laundry in my laundry room and one in my bathroom. There are two walls left to paint in my living room and two that still need to be cut in. There is dinner to think about and a lesson to be reviewed. When I think about all of that- I really can feel my blood pressure rise. I want to plan my escape. However, I could just let it ride.
Summer has come and gone, Ellie is about to lose her first tooth and school starts on Wednesday. I need to go back to Weight Watchers, get my hair cut and mop. My cell phone won't hold a charge, the back light has gone out on the screen and I have to call people back. The bananas are bad, the dishes need to be put up and I have no idea what I am going to wear.
I think I will lay back down for an hour.

Only a month to go...

and summer '08 will be a thing of the past. This is the first summer that we have been able to "breath" since having all 4 children. I have been able to take them swimming on a consistent basis by myself, take them on a road trip, spend the night away from our home with them and everyone did great! I think that Zoe will be completely potty trained by September, when she turns 3. Lu can now swim with out floaties and she will be 4 in September. For the most part, they are "self loaders" when we have to go somewhere, and they all know when they are disobeying and when they are obeying.

Today we stayed home. Lu and Ellie and I made cookies and then had a "lemonlade" (as Lucy says) Tea Party. I am lemonade-"water logged". I never want another glass. Now, at 3:45 p.m. Zoe and Lucy are in the shower screaming at each other over 2 cups that are exactly the same. My 6 year old is in recovery from the tea party and my 8 year old is in recovery from spending the night at a friends.

I feel like this is the way things are suppose to be. Like this is the "norm". The chaos, the busyness, the constant multi-tasking, the quick "interactions" between the management of the "house" & the errand running. I have noticed that the older my kids get and the more interactions that we have with other families their age, I find myself asking, "Is this the way other families are?"

The approaching school year will be "new" for me. Abby will be in 3rd grade and Ellie will be in 1st. Both of my big girls will be attending a school rather than being home schooled. Lu will be attending pre-school somewhere and Zoe will be with me. I feel like I will be able to rest more than I have in 9 years. I do plan to take advantage of this.

As for the next 20 days...I want to weave great memories for my girls and our family. I want to rest when they are in school and celebrate when they are at home. I want to be intentional in making myself present for all of the things they love- swimming, getting sno cones, staying up late, painting their rooms and catching fire flies.