A New Year

So, I hate to even post this next line, but here I go: My new years resolution is to blog consistently. I fear is that I am setting myself up for public scrutiny. However, I haven't written in so long that there is probably no "public".

I have had a question floating around in my head for the past several weeks. It drifts from side to side like a bubble in a pinball machine. The question is,"Who inspires me?" I think that there is an answer...that is not difficult to find. However, I know that my values will be revealed when the question is answered. I don't really care too much about how others view my values, my convictions or my passions. I have a hard time seeing them.

I remember taking all of these personality profiles and assessments when I was an undergraduate. I would answer all of these questions, about myself, through my own distorted lense, by my own assesment of myself- and this test was suppose to "define" me. It was going to tell me what I should aspire to be and what I type of person I was to marry- all based on my perception of myself. I soon came to realize that I have a very biased view of me.

So in asking the question, "Who inspires me?" I must ask myself "What do I value?" Who do I look to as a model, an example, a pioneer in all that I desire to be and accomplish. What do I want the painting to look like when I sign my name at the bottom? This is about value discovery and a hard look at myself and others.

I am excited about splitting hairs to discover what I really want and the romanticized idea of what I say I live for. I think that I will need to ask some close friends, family and my kids what they see that I am living for. I think that there are times when those outside of us have a truer understanding of who we really are than we ourselves. This should be interesting.

Fall has arrived.

We are going full speed ahead in the Fields' House. With the speed comes little time to re-group & re-create. There are several things in my life that I feel I can never complete: laundry, dishes, floors, closets, bathrooms...etc. I often think about how important it is to me, and my family, that our house "feel" like a home: a place of grace and rest...not chaos and confusion. Now, that does not mean that ours is clutter free, quiet and never out of order. In fact- it's the complete opposite of this. If you were to walk in to my house today you would find piles of sorted laundry that need to be put away, drawers of worksheets that have quickly been shuffled from the Tuesday Folder to the Catch All Center. One thing that I have discovered about my family is that we live life hard. We wear things out faster than most. We stain things and seem to exhaust the resources faster than we can replenish them. This is a difficult way to live. We do not have the luxury of donating last falls boots because there is another child that needs them this fall. We have had to learn to overlook carpet stains, worn fabric on a chairs, and a house litterd with rock collections, broken crayons and shoe laces being used as leashes on stuffed puppies. I must admit- this can wear on my soul. It is truly a battle at times. However, it is not near as taxing as it used to be. I guess it has become an issue of survival...and at times finding joy in suffering. Many would not define this as suffering. However, if anyone has ever had to engage in mind battle to talk yourself through the stress you feel "when you just cleaned the house yesterday and it's already a mess" then you understand the toll that this can take on you. I think that I have really had to learn to let certain things go and set realistic expectations. I feel if I can get my entire house cleaned, and by cleaned I mean, everything in its place, the floors swept, the bedrooms vaccumed and the bathrooms cleaned, ONCE a week- then I am ok. The rest of the time I try to keep the front two rooms orderly. That way if someone drops in I'm not freaking out the whole time. Also, I hate for the main living areas to feel cluttery when the girls come home from school. I think they feel better when the come home to a more peaceful, orderly environment. I have often thought that you can tell the "type" of life a person lives by looking at their house. As much as I would like for my home to be featured in Cottage Living, the reality is that we are better qualified for an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. Someones house can be really orderly because it is not "lived in". So, all things considered, my livable house will have to do. For now I am praying that it will serve as salve for my weary body and not an irritant.
In the words of the modern sage, Kenny Chesney, "So I've been trying to slow down. I've been trying to take it easy- in this here today gone tomorrow world we're living in. Don't blink- just like that your six years old and you take a nap...you wake up and your 25 and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife. Don't blink- you just might miss your babies growing like mine did; turning into moms & dads, next thing you know your Better Half of 50 years is there in bed and your praying God takes you instead...Don't Blink....life goes faster than you think!"

I can't believe it's been 4 years...

Happy Birthday Lucy Grace. I love YOU!

Happy 9th Birthday, Abby!

I love you.

The First Day of Non-Home School

Well, Ellie's first day of First Grade and school outside the home is in less than 8 hours. Abby will begin 3rd grade and I will experience my first day with my two older girls gone.






Ellie assured me on several occasions today that she would "think about me alot". Then she gave me a crooked & excited smile that let me know for sure that I would not cross her mind even once in the eight hours that she would be gone.
Abby reported to me in the van today that "at the park in the tunnel crawl space the worst word in cussing history is written there." Then she laughed and said, "That's pretty funny, huh, 'cussing history'." She was so proud of herself for that phrase. Like mother, like daughter....
I think they'll be fine.

I have been thinking...

a lot about contentment. I tend to think about "the next thing." I was recalling a friend of mine who constantly fussed about his context. The city was too hot, the people were all fake, the student life style was not satisfying, working on a PhD is so time consuming...etc. The next place they moved for their life to finally "begin" ended two months later with the spouses announcement that she was "done with the marriage". I have often wondered, "What if the next place turns out to be worse and all the while I've not enjoyed where I am because I was in a hurry to get somewhere I didn't want to be."
This morning is Saturday. All across the world people are relaxing in their pj's, drinking coffee and preparing for tomorrow. What if we decided to stop preparing. Really. Just for one day. I have a pile of laundry in my laundry room and one in my bathroom. There are two walls left to paint in my living room and two that still need to be cut in. There is dinner to think about and a lesson to be reviewed. When I think about all of that- I really can feel my blood pressure rise. I want to plan my escape. However, I could just let it ride.
Summer has come and gone, Ellie is about to lose her first tooth and school starts on Wednesday. I need to go back to Weight Watchers, get my hair cut and mop. My cell phone won't hold a charge, the back light has gone out on the screen and I have to call people back. The bananas are bad, the dishes need to be put up and I have no idea what I am going to wear.
I think I will lay back down for an hour.

Only a month to go...

and summer '08 will be a thing of the past. This is the first summer that we have been able to "breath" since having all 4 children. I have been able to take them swimming on a consistent basis by myself, take them on a road trip, spend the night away from our home with them and everyone did great! I think that Zoe will be completely potty trained by September, when she turns 3. Lu can now swim with out floaties and she will be 4 in September. For the most part, they are "self loaders" when we have to go somewhere, and they all know when they are disobeying and when they are obeying.

Today we stayed home. Lu and Ellie and I made cookies and then had a "lemonlade" (as Lucy says) Tea Party. I am lemonade-"water logged". I never want another glass. Now, at 3:45 p.m. Zoe and Lucy are in the shower screaming at each other over 2 cups that are exactly the same. My 6 year old is in recovery from the tea party and my 8 year old is in recovery from spending the night at a friends.

I feel like this is the way things are suppose to be. Like this is the "norm". The chaos, the busyness, the constant multi-tasking, the quick "interactions" between the management of the "house" & the errand running. I have noticed that the older my kids get and the more interactions that we have with other families their age, I find myself asking, "Is this the way other families are?"

The approaching school year will be "new" for me. Abby will be in 3rd grade and Ellie will be in 1st. Both of my big girls will be attending a school rather than being home schooled. Lu will be attending pre-school somewhere and Zoe will be with me. I feel like I will be able to rest more than I have in 9 years. I do plan to take advantage of this.

As for the next 20 days...I want to weave great memories for my girls and our family. I want to rest when they are in school and celebrate when they are at home. I want to be intentional in making myself present for all of the things they love- swimming, getting sno cones, staying up late, painting their rooms and catching fire flies.