"It's not the way I wanted it to end..."

Many of you do not know that I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. A quick definition of this is : "Rheumatoid Arthritis causes inflammation of the joint lining, called the synovium. This type of arthritis can cause pain, stiffness, swelling, warmth, and redness. The affected joint may also lose its shape, resulting in loss of normal movement. RA can affect other parts of the body as well, including the blood, the lungs, and the heart. Rheumatoid Arthritis is 2 to 3 times more common in women than in men, and generally affects people between the ages of 20 and 50. However, young children can develop a form of RA called juvenile RA."

I was diagnosed about 3 1/2 years ago. It hit me pretty hard in the beginning...after about a year my medicines seemed to stabilize my condition. By this, I mean that my fatigue was manageable, I was able to walk without pain, my body didn't feel "flu-like" unless I was getting sick and I didn't wake up feeling bruised all over. However, about 6 months into the medication treatment I began to experience side effects that you really don't want to hear about, as well as constant nausea. I never had hair loss. I did develop "nodules" off and on...but mostly the nausea and symptoms that often accompany nausea, were persistent. Just a quick note- There are some people who have RA who run marathons, lift weights and exercise consistently...their bodies may react differently to the disease or the meds than others. My "journey", for lack of a better word, has felt uphill all the way. This could be because I am trying to manage my disease with 4 little ones beside me. As a result of my sensitivity to the medication, I was taken off of it this past year. "GREAT!" you say. The problem is that it is a very effective disease modifying drug. That means that it slows down the progression of the disease. Also, due to my insurance and the cost of the injections (even with insurance they average $400.00 a month) my "therapy" has been interrupted. This is just a quick overview of "what can be involved" in managing a relatively "manageable" illness. (And do not get me started on the issue of national health care - I am completely against it, unapologeticly, because I am experiencing it...and it cannot work. That's a post for another day.) I am now in the process of going to a new Rhuematologist (4-23) & starting new drugs. Right now I am on nothing for RA and I am having a very difficult time.
So, all of this does relate to Homeschooling. We began homeschooling for several reasons. One reason was because of the schedule. I was at a point where I was finding it more stressful, for our family, to "manage" my child according to the school's schedule. Having everyone dressed, all the papers signed, lunches packed, etc. by 7:45 a.m.. I found that aspect more physically "taxing" than teaching my child daily. Until recently, that has been the case...

This past week, after about two weeks of intense pain & fatigue, my sweet husband and I had a long talk. We decided that the girls needed to go back to school. This was a very emotional decision for me. We have only home schooled for a year and half...so I felt like I was just starting to "get it". Besides the fact that I have great kids, I really enjoy being with them and watching them learn. We took Abby on Wednesday to be tested (a standardized placement exam) and she did great. She is back with the same group of kids that she was with before, at the same school. She has loved being back - and that has helped me to adjust. Ellie will begin in the fall.

We told Abby that she was going to go back to school about two hours before we took her to be tested. She was cautiously excited. She, Ellie and I sat down around our bar to pray, read and sing before heading out for the day. When Abby prayed for me she began to weep...then I began to cry. Greg walked in and saw us all crying and asked, "Are we okay?" I stated that we were...just a little "mixed" in our emotions. I told the girls that we had to "Trust the Lord in this decision the same way that we had to trust Him in home schooling...one did not require anymore faith or trust than the other." God has been good to us.

So, as I laid in bed that night, I thought, "It's not the way I wanted it to end." I did not want this illness to decide anything for me. But it did. I haven't had to "give in to it" very much so far...but for now, I am. Who knows what the future holds? I do not...and I am ok with that. For now, I find rest in knowing that my life will take many turns and stops along the way. I am along for the ride. I can either choose to become pouty and bitter or thankful and humble. I want to be the latter.