The One of Whose Name We Do Not Speak -(#2 in the series of "Who inspires me?")

We do not speak her name because she has asked us not to...not until our daughter turns 18. By "our daughter" I am speaking of hers & ours...Zoe. Zoe's birth family is, in many ways, alot like ours. Zoe is the fourth child in her family. She is our fourth child. Her biological siblings are 9, 7, & 4. Her three sisters are 9, 7 & 4. Her mothers truly loves her.

I remember when I heard that her mom had named her. I felt very threatened. "I thought she didn't want her." I yelled from the kitchen. I feel so much shame in typing that. So embarrassed and exposed that my thoughts were on myself at all. I am ashamed that I thought, "She didn't want her." Zoe's mom held her and was there for her. She carried her even though she knew that she would not raise her. I am so thankful that she did not kill her.

“Abortion is so critical to us, because this is essentially a genocide. According to the census of 2006, African Americans are reproducing below replacement level, which is 2.1 children per household, and we are now at 1.9. We need to turn this around quickly, because over 1,400 African-American babies are aborted every day. That’s going in the wrong direction.” - Walter B. Hoye II, executive elder of Progressive Missionary Baptist Church of Berkeley.

She looked for an agency that would place her child with a loving family. She filled out the book they call "intake". She went to her doctor appointments. She named her...she thought through what she wanted to name her and she wrote it on the birth certificate. Do you know what that will mean to Zoe one day. She wasn't in a hurry to "get this thing over with". Yes, we named her also.

The first time I saw Zoe, we went to the foster family's home. Dawn, her foster mom, was at Zoe's birth. I will be eternally grateful to her for being there to care for Zoe when we could not. Meeting my baby for the first time at 2 weeks old was one of the most surreal experiences of my life. Greg and I left that day, after our initial meeting, without her. We knew that she was ours- but we couldn't have her yet. Let me just speak to this- it is a very difficult place to be. For those of you who have a hard time understanding this- try to remember what it was like the day you found out that you were pregnant. 9 months seems like a life time. Now try to imagine leaving your child at the hospital and going to visit for the next two, three, for some 18 months. By the time Zoe finally got home- she was 2 months old. Dawn is still in our lives and I hope that she always is. All of these people: Zoe's birth mom who named her, Dawn, the foster mom, who held her and fed her, Charles, the foster dad, who called her "Lovey", Generations Agency that didn't overlook us because we were white and unable to withdraw thousands of dollars from our checking account (notice I did not say "savings account"), The Deacons at Redeemer Presbyterian who paid for our legal fees because "this is a church issue." ...they are tangible portraits of the grace of God- not just for Zoe- but for us...all of us. All of this is because Zoe's mom loved her.

Dear ___________________,
I hope to meet you one day. I hope that you will pleased with us. I know that you must wonder everyday where she is. I pray for you. I pray that you will feel how happy she is. Did you know that she lays in the floor every single day, like clock work, and belly laughs for 15 minutes. She has to release it. Her favorite song is "In Christ Alone" by the Getty's. She calls it "Christ of Christ". Did you know that she is overwhelmed by love. I think that you would be so happy that she has beads in her hair. I can hear her turning over now, her beads are hitting against each other. I heard that your hair is beautiful and that you are gorgeous and tall. She has really straight, white teeth and an intoxicating smile. She shares a room with her older sister and they have matching quilts. She is very smart, extremely verbal and loves to hug. I want you to know that she will love you. She will probably think about you one day as much as you think about her. I want you to know that I will tell her how grateful to God I am for you and that she should be also. I know that she will be inspired to live a life that is bigger than herself- because of your example. Know that we love you- because you are a part of our little Zoe.
Until our paths cross,
Tracey

My two front teeth...

Ellie is such a sweet girl. She is quiet- but courageous. She is adventurous, tenderhearted & toothless! I have been waiting for Ellie to loose both of her teeth at the same time. I love toothless kids.

It's not because my children are black.

I am not on a campagin against racism simply because 2 of my children are black.
I am on a campaign against racism because, as a Christian I believe, we are all created in the image of God.
I do not believe that Adam and Eve were white Americans.
I believe that all that God created is an expression and reflection of Himself to point us back to Him.
I do not believe that "unequally yoked" is in reference to whites & blacks.
I welcome any color in my home- "from all tribes and peoples and languages".
I am on a campaign against racism because 2 of my children are white and they never think about their skin. They never feel left out because of it. They never think that everyone is looking at them or that no one will choose them because of their color.
I am on a campaign to be a logical thinker.
I do not think that a bi-racial child will "have a hard time" -simply because they are bi-racial.
I am not concerned about the color of skin that my son-in-law's will have. I am happy that no one can figure out "what my husband is".
I am white. Two daughters are white. My husband and one daughter are carmel. My baby is brown. I love a man who is a Jew. Some of my deepest friendships are with international transplants...who happen to be dark skinned.
I strive to be patient with people who do not "try" to engage those who are different than themselves. I think that we must pray, engage, work to build true friendships with, and love those who are different from us.

Greg Fields

I am on my third attempt to begin this post. Greg and I have been married for thirteen years. We only dated for seven months when he asked me to marry him. I knew that I was going to marry Greg the day that I met him. It was confirmed to me by my dad. On Greg's last night in Greenville, after teaching a Disciple Now in my parents home, I decided to take him on a tour of Greenville. We had just driven up to the the top of the old Cadillac Hotel and as we were driving back down, my bag phone rang. It was Woody wondering where we were and what time we were coming back to their house. I told him that we were just out driving around and he said, "Well, I can't go to sleep until you get back- I know he's the guy that you are going to marry." So, we went home...
One of the first qualities I saw in Greg that was attractive to me- yet also frightening - was his honesty. Even to his detriment he was fiercely honest. Raw & unedited. He was never bothered or concerned by what others thought about him. He shared about past failures, sinful patterns, emotional hang-ups and obsessive tendencies. Don't confuse this with people who "have no filter". The way he shared was beautiful to me. He had the passion of Peter and the heart of John. He had the voice of Ezekial and the doubts of Thomas. At the time that we met, I was on staff at a church. If any of you have ever served in any type of leadership capacity then you know that most of the people who are suppose to be following you- do not really like honesty. They like to hold you in a nice, ordered package. They, for the most part, like predictable behavior and solid, bold answers. I met Greg about a year after he had returned from Desert Storm. He had recently broken off an engagement and was trying to decide what he wanted to be as a grown-up. He was so real. I saw him coming a mile away. He was so different to me. His honesty inspired me then and his honesty inspires me now.
I am also inspired by the way he "wrestles to understand" an idea and how he seeks to truly interact, discuss and engage the given topic. This is not his natural bent. Greg would, on many occasions, rather watch a movie, go hang out with friends or sleep. The difference, that I have observed with him, in comparison to myself and others, is that he does not easily give into his desire to be entertained. He will do the work necessary to comprehend. I am inspired, encouraged and challenged by his unwillingness to give up "when his brain hurts" and his eyes are tired.
I am constantly inspired and moved by his patience. Greg is a great dad. He has the ability to "suffer-long" and sleep-little. With our four girls there is rarely a night that one of them, if not two, are in need of something. One is either scared, or sick, or wet or cold. He never complains about this aspect of "the job". He is very rarely in a hurry when he tucks them in, he is slow and thoughtful when he reads and talks with them in the evenings and he is much "slower to anger" than I am! He listens, questions and thinks. He shepherds, nurtures and comforts. I am inspired by his patient care of his family. He sees himself as the responsible head of his home and works hard to protect it.
(I could go on for hours, literally. However, these three seem to rise to the surface.) I am thankful, that I get to live "upclose" with Greg. I am happy that I get to watch him, learn from him and hang out with him everyday. (...and scream outloud together when Jack Bauer escapes with Tony Almeda from the FBI !!!)

So, not to sound like a cliche...

Over the next couple of weeks I am going to attempt to post on those who inspire me. I will divide these into different catagories- that define the reasons for inspiration. Due to lack of time...I am going to write about this person later this evening...
Not to sound like a cliche but....My husband, Greg, inspires me in so many ways. This is a thoughtful blog so I do not want to rush or cram...more to come.
I love you, Greg.

My favorite gift...

A New Year

So, I hate to even post this next line, but here I go: My new years resolution is to blog consistently. I fear is that I am setting myself up for public scrutiny. However, I haven't written in so long that there is probably no "public".

I have had a question floating around in my head for the past several weeks. It drifts from side to side like a bubble in a pinball machine. The question is,"Who inspires me?" I think that there is an answer...that is not difficult to find. However, I know that my values will be revealed when the question is answered. I don't really care too much about how others view my values, my convictions or my passions. I have a hard time seeing them.

I remember taking all of these personality profiles and assessments when I was an undergraduate. I would answer all of these questions, about myself, through my own distorted lense, by my own assesment of myself- and this test was suppose to "define" me. It was going to tell me what I should aspire to be and what I type of person I was to marry- all based on my perception of myself. I soon came to realize that I have a very biased view of me.

So in asking the question, "Who inspires me?" I must ask myself "What do I value?" Who do I look to as a model, an example, a pioneer in all that I desire to be and accomplish. What do I want the painting to look like when I sign my name at the bottom? This is about value discovery and a hard look at myself and others.

I am excited about splitting hairs to discover what I really want and the romanticized idea of what I say I live for. I think that I will need to ask some close friends, family and my kids what they see that I am living for. I think that there are times when those outside of us have a truer understanding of who we really are than we ourselves. This should be interesting.