it's been a while...

but i've go something brewing! need a little down time so i can write...there in lies the problem. :) happy kids, busy mom.

tonight

tonight, like every other night, i am up way to late. i have noticed that the older my children get the greater demands there seem to be. i am using demands in the sense of non-negotiables. we have more to discuss, organize, manage and create. as our oldest learns greater responsibility, which frees us to a certain degree, we have to deal with the fact that our child that requires more care requires more time. so there is a give and take, but as you all know, it often feels like more is being taken. however, i have caught myself today- in middle of setting the table, doing the dishes, typing a blog, pausing to be caught up in the reality of God's unfailing love toward me. I have been absorbed today in the idea of being seen and captured by the Lord of this Universe. I have unwillingly focused today on the fact that we are a part of a Greater Story...one that we are not the center of. We are clay. He is the Potter. i must admit that over the past several years, i have come to empathize with the immigrant. One who's native land is foreign to the place where he or she resides. i am speaking in a spiritual sense. when i woke up the day after my dad died- everything looked different. not bad- just sharper. things that had my attention the day before didn't seem quite as pressing the day after. that's how i feel today. Aware. akward and a little clumsy...but Awake.
now- i need sleep.

i've been following this blog for a while...

http://aplacecalledsimplicity.blogspot.com/2011/02/if-god-told-me-to-i-would.html

love to hear your thoughts. i have felt this same disdain for excuses throughout the years. greg has often said that most of the time people aren't actively engaging the idea of foster/adoption & orphan care...they are just excusing themselves from it. we need never gripe about any group who does what we, the church, should do for the oppressed. we, of all people, should be sacrificing our comfort, pleasure and selfish pursuits to love, parent, treasure & welcome into the church- the least of these. this is the true fast. do not expect your children to one day do what they do not see you model now. the messiness of the gospel, the messiness of the incarnation, the mundane, normal, christian life involves us living, embracing, and struggling through our own discomforts and dealing with our sin, to provide life for those who have no hope.

I love (stuff) too much

I am writing this now but will post it later. At this time my husband and I are involved in what we would consider to be an extensive fast. We have fasted in the past- but never at the same time. So far, during this time, I have fractured my foot, our washer has gone out, we had the worst fight of our 15 years of marriage, we had to buy a new dishwasher, and last night our heater went out- and it just so happens that it is the coldest day of the year thus far. Simultaneously, we felt led to foster care again, someone gave us $1000 on the day that our heater died and our spiritual awareness has sharpened markedly and my concern for earthly goods has drastically diminished. I am seriously aware of how quickly these goods waste away.(my body included) I am also keenly aware of the trust I put in things of the world and the immeasurable amount of comfort that they bring to me. God save me!
I pray for grace to persevere in this fast. It feels as if it will go on forever. I know that I can do it because the past keeps reminding me. But I must confess: Though my face is not long -my heart is. I miss Eating. I miss feeling physically full. But I must confess- I hate feeling out of control. My eating-worship habits have been crazy. I rarely deny myself of anything. So capturing this desire has made me feel strongly indebted to the Lord who has given me the power in Christ to conquer this Maniac that seeks to devour me through my own devouring. Whether that is shopping, giving my opinion, having my way, choosing to be distracted rather than engaged or beginning my day with Matt Lauer instead of Jesus Christ. Whatever the sin may be- it is still sin.
It is unbelief.
I think that during this time we have sacked up and given away about 25 bags of clothes, toys and junk. Stuff that we like, things that make us feel good about ourselves, and make others feel good about us. These things tend to woo me away from the God that whispers, "Be in the world not of the world". I must confess, I like quirky things. i like to hold on to stuff i might need. i like to "pass down". guess what- i think the lord has freed me from this. i pray that this is the case. i pray that he, in his grace, effectually moves me to hold on loosely to everything as a provision for that day alone. (Give us this day our daily bread.)

It's almost 2011

So i have done an awful job blogging for the last several months. honestly, we have been a little busy. we have had such a great opportunity to speak at some remarkable events concerning foster care, hospitality, orphan care & racial equality this past year. we very seldom say no to these opportunities because we are truly concerned & driven by the lord to do so. also, in trying to be involved in our community, we have committed to some local "causes" that we are passionate about. advocacy is such a key-phrase that is used today, however, there are some categories of humanity that Christ specifically mentions all throughout scripture- the sojourner, the impoverished, the widow, the orphan (fatherless). we do not have to look far to identify these folks. what is a sojourner? a person who stays for a time in a place or lives temporarily here. as americans, we tend to view investment in what it will yield us. If someone tells you, "I'll only be here 6-8 months" you might be tempted to not give all that you have because you will not be the one to benefit from the fruit of your investment. in leviticus (holy bible) we are told to leave a portion for the sojourner -more than once. truth be known- anything we give has been given to us. we are always giving as receivers. the freedom and blessing in understanding this is transformational. we create space for others in our world. this is not a discussion on boundaries - obviously there are priorities rather it is about not making excuses in community-living. i am raw with awareness since my brother and his family moved 4,952 miles across the ocean. i pray everyday that a family will open their home to them. that a person will help them, teach them, include them and reassure them that they are "seen" and valued.
who are the widows? a man or woman who has lost his or her spouse by death and has not remarried. we all have parents, family members, neighbors, church family members, who are alone. this is where we start. going out of our way to include, care for, have in our home for meals, special occasions, holidays, sunday lunch, shopping, grooming, appointments, taking to them to sonic or starbucks, etc. this is not an easy task. sometimes, most of the time, it is a very mechanistic endeavor. it is one that crushes Me. not all widows/widowers are old. some are younger and full of energy. some are deeply depressed and struggle to survive under the weight of loss and grief. some need to be reminded that they are not forgotten and that someone hears their voice and that someone sees them in their hopeless state. our culture is geared toward couples. we should work to include, befriend and value the single in our world. we were created to live in relationship to one another. i have often thought of a widow that i know, who has a grown child with special needs. she will never have grand children and she will always have her child at home. who will assume responsibility for her child when she dies. how does she deal with the grief of knowing that she will never engage in the "grand-children" discussion with her peers? she has little common ground with anyone, other than her deceased husband. how can we offer hope? how can we engage and include her? what can my children do consistently to shed light on her?
who are the impoverished? those reduced to poverty; deprived of strength, vitality, creativeness, etc. i tend to believe that the impoverished includes those with special needs or mental illness that are lost in society. they are under the care of the state: nursing homes, group homes, or homeless. i feel a real ripping, tug-of-war going on inside of me concerning how we "deal" with these people. we were laughing at a status update from one of our friends the other day who said that he heard some college students call a homeless person a hobo. it made me wonder if that student had any friends or acquaintances who were homeless or hungry. please hear me- this is not an indictment on you if you do not. it is however a plea to "open your eyes". many of the people that we have befriended don't really want anything from us. they usually don't want us to find them a place to live or to try and "fix" there situations. honestly, some of them cannot survive in the everyday maintaining of a stable environment. not always...but that has just been my experience. most just want a friend. they might need help in some scenarios, but not always. some just need friends in the same way that you and i need friends. these relationships can be exhausting - for one person. however, we are called to them- as a people, a body, the church. our church body befriended a man. he lived at our church building for several months, worshiped with us, ate with us at the building and in our homes. cooked meals for us in mutual fellowship, he did his laundry and took his showers in our elders' homes. and one day, he left. and guess what- he stole nothing. he destroyed nothing. he lived and moved on. i wish that he would've stayed and grown with this body, but he did not. was it for not? i think not. i had a brother who was homeless for half of his life and died a homeless alcoholic on the street. my prayer would be that the body of Christ would have made an attempt to be hospitable, compassionate, neighborly and moved by grace to embrace him, care for him and encourage him. he was a believer with numerous addictions and failures. just like me. thanks be to God that i am not homeless and that my addictions have not overtaken me.
who are the orphans? a child who has lost both parents through death, or, less commonly, one parent. according to scripture, it is a child without a father. oh my. we shouldn't have to look far to find an orphan. a man, who i have much respect for, who is retired, has recently started a non-profit to place children of imprisoned parents in stable homes, until they are released. there is a great need for parents in our society. one of my friends, who is single, had a 2 year old placed in her home the week before Christmas. a family that we worship with weekly, after raising their bio children, adopted 10 kids. why not? seriously. why would you not give your life for these? it is a great question that we all should ask ourselves. greg and i have many times discussed this idea. we hear so many people say,"i could never" or "i don't have the room" or "there's no space" or "i don't have the money". in our estimation, most of these are excuses. there are some legitimate concerns to think about, however, most of the time it causes one's brain to hurt to think about all of the re-orienting of their time, the shaving away of their vacation and the energy that they must exert to really invest in the life of another. the understanding that "visit the orphan" that James speaks of is more than just a "visit" as you and i define "visit".
i am wresting with ideas of how to work this yeast into the dough of my girl's lives. project-less living. an issue-free, Christ-centered, gospel- fueled, people-embracing life.
i am a complete failure on all fronts. many times my actions are full and my heart is empty. but the one thing i know is that i was a slave, i was an orphan, i was impoverished BUT God, being rich in mercy, rescued me.

I guess I should...

i guess i should write a little about homeschooling. That is the reason that i began this blog several years ago. obviously i have not commented much on this since august. this year has proven to be more difficult. i have my 11 year old and my almost 9 year old that i am teaching. my 6 year old is in a christian school for now and my 5 year old is home. i absolutely love the reading, history and english that we are using. honestly, i am growing to enjoy the math. my biggest fight, however, is with myself. dying to myself. believe me, i know that i sound like a broken record. i hear my internal dialogue day after day. i need the lord to re-shape me and re-wire my broken hard drive. i must admit that i am in love with the girls that i get to spend my day with. i wish that the rest of my heart was at home all day, however, that has not proven to be the lord's plan for her. the issue is that i feel this pressure...that i must admit- i have absolutely no idea where it comes from. it is like i can loose the day over a moment. a dumb moment. like a four year old kid who didn't get the blue lollipop. God have mercy on me. my goal is to indoctrinate, pass on a passion for missions and service where we are and to teach them to understand how important their role is in the home...not just in the future but now. the one thing that i am sure of is this- my girls love what i love. this is not a lie- they beg me to do history every day. why? because i LOVE history and i love to tell stories. when i enjoy what i am doing with them- they enjoy it too! i hate doing things with people who whine and seemed overly burdened...yet, i see this sin in myself. being a parent, a good parent, is so difficult. but i love it. at family camp this summer a friend of mine said, "there is a difference in 'being there' and 'being with'. Lord, teach me to be with my children. so, as for homeschooling- my third year- it is still a learning process for me. i pray that i will BE who i want them to BE.

Life is LIFE

One of the things that I appreciate about living in a small town is the sense of community. Today the checker at the store told me, "If you get a chance, come back by and we'll talk." I was at an activity for one of my kids and the moms talked back and forth as if they had known each other for years. In fact, they talked about grandparents and sisters that some of us did know. Tonight when I went through the drive thru of a local hamburger place, the girl knew what burgers we wanted and how many. One of my favorite things, however, which I know will seem odd to some, is that people here still pull over for a funeral procession. This afternoon I was flying down the road with all of the windows down, while the kids sang to Camp Rock 2 rejoicing that we were going to buy popsicles, when I was arrested by the police lights and the long white cars which seemed to move in slow motion. I pulled over immediately and turned the radio off. "Kids, get quiet!" I said. "Who died?" they asked. "Some One" I said.

Life is so precious.

I yelled at my kids tonight because I needed peace and quiet.
I prayed too quickly with them when I put them too bed.
I turned on a song to block out the noise.
I made a joke rather than discuss something important.
I pretended to listen to someone today.

I know that I am not perfect. I know that I will do all of these things again...probably tomorrow. But to be engaged in Life...and all of the people who will one day be no more...this is so important. The older I get I seem to think more about how wasteful I am in relationships. Many times I view others only as a means to get what I want. Most of the time I am thinking only of my own comfort. And many times, I just want to be left alone.

Life is so fragile.

I would like to be as sincere as my friend who works at The Dollar Store.
I want to be as compassionate as Jackie at the AIDS Clinic.
I wish I was as unselfish as Tillie.
I want to be as selfless as my husband.
I hope to be as loyal as Ruth was to Naomi.

May we live all the days of our lives.