I guess I should...

i guess i should write a little about homeschooling. That is the reason that i began this blog several years ago. obviously i have not commented much on this since august. this year has proven to be more difficult. i have my 11 year old and my almost 9 year old that i am teaching. my 6 year old is in a christian school for now and my 5 year old is home. i absolutely love the reading, history and english that we are using. honestly, i am growing to enjoy the math. my biggest fight, however, is with myself. dying to myself. believe me, i know that i sound like a broken record. i hear my internal dialogue day after day. i need the lord to re-shape me and re-wire my broken hard drive. i must admit that i am in love with the girls that i get to spend my day with. i wish that the rest of my heart was at home all day, however, that has not proven to be the lord's plan for her. the issue is that i feel this pressure...that i must admit- i have absolutely no idea where it comes from. it is like i can loose the day over a moment. a dumb moment. like a four year old kid who didn't get the blue lollipop. God have mercy on me. my goal is to indoctrinate, pass on a passion for missions and service where we are and to teach them to understand how important their role is in the home...not just in the future but now. the one thing that i am sure of is this- my girls love what i love. this is not a lie- they beg me to do history every day. why? because i LOVE history and i love to tell stories. when i enjoy what i am doing with them- they enjoy it too! i hate doing things with people who whine and seemed overly burdened...yet, i see this sin in myself. being a parent, a good parent, is so difficult. but i love it. at family camp this summer a friend of mine said, "there is a difference in 'being there' and 'being with'. Lord, teach me to be with my children. so, as for homeschooling- my third year- it is still a learning process for me. i pray that i will BE who i want them to BE.

Life is LIFE

One of the things that I appreciate about living in a small town is the sense of community. Today the checker at the store told me, "If you get a chance, come back by and we'll talk." I was at an activity for one of my kids and the moms talked back and forth as if they had known each other for years. In fact, they talked about grandparents and sisters that some of us did know. Tonight when I went through the drive thru of a local hamburger place, the girl knew what burgers we wanted and how many. One of my favorite things, however, which I know will seem odd to some, is that people here still pull over for a funeral procession. This afternoon I was flying down the road with all of the windows down, while the kids sang to Camp Rock 2 rejoicing that we were going to buy popsicles, when I was arrested by the police lights and the long white cars which seemed to move in slow motion. I pulled over immediately and turned the radio off. "Kids, get quiet!" I said. "Who died?" they asked. "Some One" I said.

Life is so precious.

I yelled at my kids tonight because I needed peace and quiet.
I prayed too quickly with them when I put them too bed.
I turned on a song to block out the noise.
I made a joke rather than discuss something important.
I pretended to listen to someone today.

I know that I am not perfect. I know that I will do all of these things again...probably tomorrow. But to be engaged in Life...and all of the people who will one day be no more...this is so important. The older I get I seem to think more about how wasteful I am in relationships. Many times I view others only as a means to get what I want. Most of the time I am thinking only of my own comfort. And many times, I just want to be left alone.

Life is so fragile.

I would like to be as sincere as my friend who works at The Dollar Store.
I want to be as compassionate as Jackie at the AIDS Clinic.
I wish I was as unselfish as Tillie.
I want to be as selfless as my husband.
I hope to be as loyal as Ruth was to Naomi.

May we live all the days of our lives.