I will give you a new name...

I have been wanting to post this for quiet some time and I just couldn't carve out the time to do so. We have been so blessed this year to have had only four hospitalizations with Ellie. Compared to the first year when we were hospitalized 12 times, four is great. Compared to many, our road has been easy. I try, not in an effort to minimize what we're going through but rather in a way to frame it, to remind myself that their are parents every hour who leave the hospital without their children. It seems to help me remain sober and balanced. I do have overwhelming moments, however, when I feel like I am disparing. Once, while at the hospital, I had an extremely vivid dream. i was driving with a friend and all of our children. We were in a convertible, that was also a van. During our conversation, i accidentally drove off of the side of the mountain/cliff that we were driving around. To say it was scary would be an understatement. I had the sensation that I was free falling. The kids were screaming and I knew that this was it. We were all facing an emminant death. i woke up sweating and holding on for dear life, preparing for impact. My fears and feelings reveal themselves, always. At Worship the following Sunday, I was exhausted. One of our Elders always greets us by saying, "Shaloam". He has explained on several occassions that Shaloam is more than peace. It means complete peace, wholeness, fulness, contentment and rest. It is the peace of God. Shortly after the service, Ellie came to me doubled over in pain needing to be re-admitted. I really don't even know what words to use to express what I was feeling but it was not peace. The other children were crying, as Ellie and I began our 55 mile pilgrimage of pain. I was so discouraged. I had not eaten all day and I knew that we would have a long wait before being admitted. I told Ellie that I had to get a burger and promised to hurry. At this point, my brain was mush. I pulled through and the young man began to up-sale by suggesting 1,500 items I could add to my order. I pulled forward, in the zone, wishing our situation was different. He leaned out the window with my burger and drink. I gave him my card and glanced at his name tag. "Excuse me. Is that your name?" Somewhat embarrassed he answered, "Yes." I said, "Well, I'm so glad your parents gave you that name." His name was Shaloam. I drove away in awe that God had sent me a reminder that I could rest in His complete peace. Several months had passed and honestly, this momentous event had sadly, slipped my mind. We were having a good run. Ellie had been in hospital several more times since the Drive-Through epiphany. She had one stay during September, but all of October was calm. Her pain began to elevate around the first week of November and it was looking like we were going to go to the hospital. Sure enough, the second week rolled around and we were back in the car. Suprisingly, I was great. Laid back, "we got this", all is smooth. Three days later we were coming home. I was so happy that we would be home for Thanksgiving. It was drama free and fun. Then Saturday rolled in bringing with it a horrible case of pancreatitis. We managed the pain at home for the first several days. By mid-week it was too much to bear. All of the kids were upset. It is never a seamless transition. Everything is affected when we are gone. Yes, we have had the talks about how this is the "new norm" and life has to go on...but the reality of living that is different. There is anger and bitterness,constant schedule changes and the game must go on minus two players. We got in the car to leave. I was driving and Ellie was laying down in the back seat. There was road construction going on and it took us an hour to get to Fate. That drive should've taken 15-20 minutes. The entire drive was quiet, other than Ellie's cringes & cries. I am so weepy at this point but I am holding it in so as to not make the situation worse. I am wanting to pray but i cannot. I am feeling nothing but frustration and sadness. Sad that I am not at home with our entire family entact. Frustrated that I have to enfringe on everyone elses schedule for my children to be cared for in my absence. And, not wanting Ellie to feel guilty that her illness has caused this. At this point, her pain has kicked into high gear, and for those of you who understand what that means-it's not fun. Ellie throws up from the severity of the pain. It's alot like having a miagrain and throwing up in the middle of that. Well, in the rush of leaving I forgot to grab a gag-bag. "I'll go through the Drive-Through at Starbucks and ask for a bag." I told her. Fighting back tears I silently pray, "Lord, I don't even know how to pray. I don't know what to say or do." I pulled through the drive and ordered an Americano. When we pulled up the guy could see Ellie in the back seat laying down and not well. "Any chance you could give me a couple of bags?" He obviously knew what I was needing them for. He gave me a crooked smile and hurried to get the bags. He doubled the bags up and handed them to me. Leaning out of the window, I saw his name tag and begin to weep. Judah. His name was Judah. Praise the Lord. Pulling away, I asked to Ellie, "Did you see his nametag?" She quietly whispered, "No." "Well," I began. "His name was Judah. That means Praised. Ellie, God sees YOU. God sees ME. He always sends us reminders that He is here with us. Even in suffering- He is to be praised." I am so thankful for the encouragement that God gives to me. Some days, I am too weak to lift the Bible from the table, to read the Words that my tired bones are in desperate need of. Even then, He is with me. Some Sundays I cannot participate in corporate worship because someone is sick or we are in the hospital, and still God is with me. I must press on and lean in to the Truth that I confess!