Almost Amos.

i used to have a difficult time understanding the Biblical concept of "the now and the not yet." when we began our journey of adoption, and i must say-that's exactly what it's been: a journey- the clouds began to part for me. It is a very odd reality. to be living as a parent but to not really have the final say on anything concerning the child that you are parenting. it is an emotional roller coaster...even when you're prepared. living in the in-between is exhausting, testing, joyful, fulfilling and sad- all at the same time. knowing that we are nearing the end of our fostering and turning the corner to adoption is just the same. i want to use this post to pull back the curtain a bit. i have never found joy in a birth parent's final visit. this reality is a dichotomy. one can know all the facts about a situation and know that the child would be best in another home and still grasp the sad truth that a mother or father is saying goodbye to their child. walking away differently. some will never look back. others will. someone can be on drugs, be unable to parent, or mentally handicapped and still really love their child. it is very difficult for those of us who function somewhat normally to understand this...and i get that. however, we were made to live for more than any of us are living for! any of us, had we had different parents, an adult that didn't protect us, made a decision toward addiction or immorality, or a God that didn't save us- could be in the same position. and the odd thing is- when i look at my child and she asks me, "do YOU love my birth mom?" i have to answer "yes...because they are a part of you and i. love. you." God help me if i ever loose compassion for the mother or father of my child. that being said...WHY i have to have permission from a birthparent who has made 3 visits in 7 months if i can cut my foster child's hair will forever baffle me...really. when i hear people say, "i could never be a foster parent because i would cry when i lose the kids." it frustrates me. i have never typed that before because i feel like it will really hack people off. but it's true. that is exactly the type of person who needs to do foster care! these children need connection. and really- it is hard. not just when they leave...but while they are in your space. when you are taking them to visits and helping them learn how to live in community. the odd thing is- during all of this "difficulty"- you connect. you grow to love the child. therein lies the roller coaster. there is such a great desire for people to value and love the child as much as you do...and that doesn't always happen. and guess what- you carry that pain for them - just like you do with your birth children. in 2004, greg and i were discussing the possibility of opening our home. we had our idea of what we wanted. guess what- we didn't get a phone call for who we thought we were going to get. we got a call for a sibling set that was just a little younger than our girls. we had to decide quickly. i will NEVER forget the phone conversation we had concerning these kids. i remember us coming to a point of saying, "if our kids were in cps custody, and a couple like us was called (christians, mom stays home, modest house but enough space) and that couple said, 'well, we really had this other kind of kid in mind -so no' we would be devastated." thinking about these kiddos as if they were your own will truly change your perspective. it was through that foster placement that our third daughter came home to us. PTL for His sovereignty in spite of our stupidity. when those children showed up at our house we cried with them because they were so frightened. i am sure our case worker thought we were total whack jobs. and when she left we cried because we thought, "what did we just commit to?" But guess what- in two weeks everything seemed normal again...it just took a little time. when we got the phone call from a private agency concerning our fourth daughter i remember them telling me about the adoption cost and i replied, "reeeeally?" when i communicated our financial angst the sweet lady on the other end- she said, "do you have any savings?" to which i replied, "well, let me put it to you like this-my husband's birthday is this week and we are going out to eat at On The Border and that's a big deal for us...so no, not really." little did we know that the deacons at our church were going to believe that the foster care epidemic is the church's problem and offer to pay all of the legal fees and that a couple of days later the agency would grant us the adoption of our precious baby girl...that we thought was a boy! God worked all of that out without any of our help. SO after planning for 2 kids and maybe adopting one boy...we now had 4 girls. we doubled in less that a year! and now...we have a little guy whose entire status is changing right before our eyes...and he knows nothing of it. unbelievable. there are no words that due justice to this remarkable occurrence. he is almost amos and i am almost his mom. greg is almost his daddy. and four girls are almost his sisters. we are almost home...not yet...but almost!