difficult.
we are in our 9th year of foster/adoptive care. i must say that we were completely ill-equipped to enter this ministry. i hope that you find encouragement and comfort in those words. seriously, if we can do it- anyone can. that being said-it's not for everyone. i have friends in the adoption world that will completely disagree with me on that point. they hold to the conviction that as long as they have an empty bed and there is a child that needs one- then they should adopt them. i am not criticizing their view because my friends who believe this way are not idiots. they are not uneducated. they just believe differently than i do.
today was by far the most difficult of all days.
when people say, "I've had my child since birth" so as to eliminate themselves from the difficulties concerning adoptees- they are naive. their child has been carried in the body of another woman for 9 months. they share the same everything. they have the same neurochemistry, same DNA, they have eaten the same foods, listened to the same music, and they recognize their mother's voice. they can be soothed by simply being laid on their mother's chest. Every child has a history- even if they come home at 41 weeks. For some of them, their mom's have been in turmoil since the day they discovered that they were pregnant. For others their was addiction. Some of the mom's & dad's loved their child so much that placing them was the most difficult & most responsible decision that they ever made. But they were with them...inside of them...for 9 months.
our children have no memory of their birth parents.
we have always been open with our kiddos concerning their story. it is theirs. i would want to know my story. imagine knowing nothing about your family and trying to piece together anything. Not knowing who you resemble or the details of their life. not understanding the "whys" of your placement. wondering if you've seen your birthparents unknowingly. it's all very overwhelming when you think about it. we share any pictures, memories, special gifts from relatives, etc. with them. and we talk it to death...when they need to. and when they "need to" can be completely unpredictable.
today was one of those days.
i went to the grocery store early this morning. when i returned, greg was in the middle of "redirecting, re-doing, time in" with said child. it was a battle in process. by the time it was over all was good but i knew something more was evolving. one of the many things that we have learned after much reading and many hours of training is that when children from hard places act crazy-they are usually scared. when they act angry- they are usually sad. we have seen much anger in the last several months. we discussed it last night and came to the agreement that age, felt safety, and several other factors are producing more of these outburst. 15 minutes later and we were right back in the vortex. i directed the child to the living room where we sat on the floor and i began to probe. "Why do you think you're feeling so angry?" She answered harshly with, " Everyone is mean and i feel like a piece of trash that's been thrown out." That's pretty complex & descriptive for someone who was just suppose to be finding their flip-flops. "Well, it sounds to me like you're sad. What do you think you could be sad about? Sometimes when we're sad we treat people the way we feel." it was instantaneous. She softened and began to weep. She said, "I don't want to hurt you, but I i just want to go to (city) and find my birth mom and tell her that i love her and i want to make sure that she's not making bad choices." For the record- we have NEVER said that she made "bad choices". We have always talked about the great choice that she made to "place her with us." She wept for close to thirty minutes. I held her and wept with her because you know, when you are a mom, you hurt when your babies hurt...especially when you can do nothing about it! I prayed with her that "her mom's heart would be changed and that she would, if it was God's will, call the agency and ask for everything that this child has sent to her." after a while we went to the table for her to draw a picture. i thought this would help her to calm down and hopefully serve as therapy in some way. She said, "I want to draw a picture of me & her to sleep with under my pillow." After a bit, she was through and the "moment" was over.
It comes on fast, and ends abruptly.
She had a snack and the rest of her day was pretty rough. Around 3:30 I made her lay down for a nap because I was so emotionally drained. She slept until 6:30. After dinner I spent some exclusive time with her in order for her to know that we were okay. It ended with Junie B. Jones and a bowl of chips.
To say that I love her is an understatement. I was born to be her mother.
So why do I post all of this?
Because it is important for everyone to know that this is what it looks like. Real life is messy. It is important for you to know that my child is grieving. not symbolically- in real life. she is grieving someone that she has no memory of...and she really loves her...and she knows that she is her "real" mom....and she knows that she is not with her...and that's a very difficult reality to compartmentalize. it bleeds like a crazy cut to the jugular and it soaks to the core of every aspect of her life...and by our choice...ours too! if we do not embrace her suffering and help her carry it- she will stop talking and she will bleed to death internally. It is so important that our families, churches and schools understand what is going on in their little brains and it is important for us to make space for them to figure out their place in the Greater Story.
Life is short....engage.
Isn't it amazing how the most difficult circumstances are usually accompanied by the sweetest gifts. Mother Theresa said, "Suffering is the kiss of Jesus." Sharing in His suffering brings sweet intimacy with Him.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Upon Further Review
The last year has been difficult to say the least. I always rag on whiney blogpost, however, this is going to sound like one!
In July, my oldest daughter, was in bed for the month. Her Dr. ran a lot of test, blood work, every type of scan...etc. On August 1-8, she, my mother and I traveled to Europe to see my brother and his family. When we returned she rested and I assumed that she was feeling better, just tired from the trip. Two days after the trip we received a phone call asking us to provide foster care for a little boy that "would probably me be moving in with family but they just needed time to get it all worked out." We said, "Yes!" feeling that this would be a good time to get our feet wet again in foster care. The next week my oldest daughter started 6th grade. She still wasn't feeling great. I was convinced that she had a strain of mono and pulled her out of her dance classes and extra after school stuff. Two weeks later I was pulling her out of school completely treating pneumonia and whatever else this was. Less than a week later our pediatrician referred us to Children's Hospital in Dallas. We had an appointment in Infectious Diseases. I didn't feel that worried. I did, however,feel very self-concious. I could tell when discussing this with people that they were skeptical about how sick she really was. I do not believe that anyone thought I was crazy- just an over-concerned parent. The Dr.'s came in and asked us probably 100 questions. They ran a lot more blood test and then sent us home. Less that a week later, the Dr. called to let me know that Abby had an infection called histoplasmosis. She had been treated for pneumonia twice and he felt confident that she was on the road to recovery...but did say that she would not fully recover until Summer.
At the same time that we are nursing her back to health- we are nursing a newborn. Well, not really nursing. But you get the point. We now had a little guy that was 4 months old, he was pre-mature by 2 months, so our sleep was lacking severely. We were growing to love him so the sleepless nights, albeit not fun, were worth it!
This is beginning to sound whiney....and it's about to get a little worse. My husband works 2 jobs, we now have 5 kids, 1 of which is in bed recovering, 1 of which is sleeping all day and wakey-wakey all night, and 3 who need to be educated. Ellie really is somewhat self sufficient when it comes to her math, reading & history. So it was not hard...it just WAS. Lu & Zoe needed to learn to read because that's a pretty big precursor to being successful in life and graduating one day. Needless to say, the stress was up and the sleep was down.
Three weeks ago, Ellie turned 10! She hit double digits. And you have to know her. She is so fun and grateful for ANYTHING & EVERYTHING. Well, Grams hooked her up with a night at Great Wolf Lodge. We eat gluten free over here at the Fields' house simply put: because I need one more thing to manage. So the ONE thing Ellie wanted was to eat gluten on her bday weekend. What the heck! You only live once. We had a blast at GWL, came home Saturday evening, got up to go to Worship Sunday morning and Ellie is s.i.c.k.! She stayed in bed nauseated Sunday, Monday & Tuesday. On Wednesday, which happened to be her birthday, I got up to cook her the breakfast that she wanted. She comes walking into the kitchen and let's just say, "It was ugly!" She was doubled over in pain and wretching. I have never seen her so sick. We went to the pediatrician at 1:30, then to the ER & then we were transported to Children's at 11 p.m. that evening. They diagnosed her with pancreatitis and kept her there until Sunday. Greg took off work Wednesday afternoon and returned on Tuesday morning.
The next week everything seemed to start to ease up. We went to Worship the following Sunday all together. It was really interesting because for some reason that day everyone seemed to be asking me questions about our foster son's status. It had been a week when people were not showing up for the visits and I felt bad for him, as well as the entire situation. I sat down in the pew, with all of the questions still on my mind, the last week still fresh and the last several months still fresh. The under toe was trying to draw me under when our pianist began to play, "This is my Father's World." A flood of emotion swept over me at once, a Stillness that can only be explained One way, and a Peace that I could not explain if I tried.
This is my Father's world.
O let me ne'er forget
that though the wrong seems oft so strong,
God is the ruler yet.
This is my Father's world:
why should my heart be sad?
The Lord is King; let the heavens ring!
God reigns; let the earth be glad!
So I worshipped...
and right before the sermon began...
Ellie gave me a look that said, "I'm not okay."
So...back we went to Children's. Praise the Lord that another pastor's wife in town, who is also a nurse in Big D, happened to have her phone with her and she met me at home and got us to and into the hospital a little more quickly. With med's and assurance we left the hospital that evening, came home and we are good to go. i hope....and back to gluten-free!
And you know....that's Life. All of the good mixed with all of the bad. And the Truth that God rules it ALL. So tonight I will rest like a baby...or better than any babies in this house, knowing that God Is. I will rest knowing that He is Enough. And, I will rest knowing that this is His world!
In July, my oldest daughter, was in bed for the month. Her Dr. ran a lot of test, blood work, every type of scan...etc. On August 1-8, she, my mother and I traveled to Europe to see my brother and his family. When we returned she rested and I assumed that she was feeling better, just tired from the trip. Two days after the trip we received a phone call asking us to provide foster care for a little boy that "would probably me be moving in with family but they just needed time to get it all worked out." We said, "Yes!" feeling that this would be a good time to get our feet wet again in foster care. The next week my oldest daughter started 6th grade. She still wasn't feeling great. I was convinced that she had a strain of mono and pulled her out of her dance classes and extra after school stuff. Two weeks later I was pulling her out of school completely treating pneumonia and whatever else this was. Less than a week later our pediatrician referred us to Children's Hospital in Dallas. We had an appointment in Infectious Diseases. I didn't feel that worried. I did, however,feel very self-concious. I could tell when discussing this with people that they were skeptical about how sick she really was. I do not believe that anyone thought I was crazy- just an over-concerned parent. The Dr.'s came in and asked us probably 100 questions. They ran a lot more blood test and then sent us home. Less that a week later, the Dr. called to let me know that Abby had an infection called histoplasmosis. She had been treated for pneumonia twice and he felt confident that she was on the road to recovery...but did say that she would not fully recover until Summer.
At the same time that we are nursing her back to health- we are nursing a newborn. Well, not really nursing. But you get the point. We now had a little guy that was 4 months old, he was pre-mature by 2 months, so our sleep was lacking severely. We were growing to love him so the sleepless nights, albeit not fun, were worth it!
This is beginning to sound whiney....and it's about to get a little worse. My husband works 2 jobs, we now have 5 kids, 1 of which is in bed recovering, 1 of which is sleeping all day and wakey-wakey all night, and 3 who need to be educated. Ellie really is somewhat self sufficient when it comes to her math, reading & history. So it was not hard...it just WAS. Lu & Zoe needed to learn to read because that's a pretty big precursor to being successful in life and graduating one day. Needless to say, the stress was up and the sleep was down.
Three weeks ago, Ellie turned 10! She hit double digits. And you have to know her. She is so fun and grateful for ANYTHING & EVERYTHING. Well, Grams hooked her up with a night at Great Wolf Lodge. We eat gluten free over here at the Fields' house simply put: because I need one more thing to manage. So the ONE thing Ellie wanted was to eat gluten on her bday weekend. What the heck! You only live once. We had a blast at GWL, came home Saturday evening, got up to go to Worship Sunday morning and Ellie is s.i.c.k.! She stayed in bed nauseated Sunday, Monday & Tuesday. On Wednesday, which happened to be her birthday, I got up to cook her the breakfast that she wanted. She comes walking into the kitchen and let's just say, "It was ugly!" She was doubled over in pain and wretching. I have never seen her so sick. We went to the pediatrician at 1:30, then to the ER & then we were transported to Children's at 11 p.m. that evening. They diagnosed her with pancreatitis and kept her there until Sunday. Greg took off work Wednesday afternoon and returned on Tuesday morning.
The next week everything seemed to start to ease up. We went to Worship the following Sunday all together. It was really interesting because for some reason that day everyone seemed to be asking me questions about our foster son's status. It had been a week when people were not showing up for the visits and I felt bad for him, as well as the entire situation. I sat down in the pew, with all of the questions still on my mind, the last week still fresh and the last several months still fresh. The under toe was trying to draw me under when our pianist began to play, "This is my Father's World." A flood of emotion swept over me at once, a Stillness that can only be explained One way, and a Peace that I could not explain if I tried.
This is my Father's world.
O let me ne'er forget
that though the wrong seems oft so strong,
God is the ruler yet.
This is my Father's world:
why should my heart be sad?
The Lord is King; let the heavens ring!
God reigns; let the earth be glad!
So I worshipped...
and right before the sermon began...
Ellie gave me a look that said, "I'm not okay."
So...back we went to Children's. Praise the Lord that another pastor's wife in town, who is also a nurse in Big D, happened to have her phone with her and she met me at home and got us to and into the hospital a little more quickly. With med's and assurance we left the hospital that evening, came home and we are good to go. i hope....and back to gluten-free!
And you know....that's Life. All of the good mixed with all of the bad. And the Truth that God rules it ALL. So tonight I will rest like a baby...or better than any babies in this house, knowing that God Is. I will rest knowing that He is Enough. And, I will rest knowing that this is His world!
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