Peace I give you...

One of the neatest things that we did over the weekend was attend an all Latin mass. Ellie and I went on Maundy Thursday. Abby had a baseball game out of town, however, Greg would not be off work in time to keep the younger ones or for us to get there in time....and there was NO way that i was taking them THAT day. Let's just say it wasn't their finest hour. In History, we have been studying a lot about the Roman Catholic Church. Several months ago I called the priest at the church and asked if he would give our kiddos a tour and explain some of their basic practices. We were very excited but he was sick the day that we were suppose to go. I had never been to a mass so i thought, "Why not go Latin?" So, Ellie and I went. We sat on the back row. To say that she was nervous would be an understatement. She was overwhelmed by the statues, the bells, the incense, the altar boys, the kneeling, crossing and the cantor. I know that it was her first time to see a foot washing ceremony. At one point she almost jumped out of her seat. I put my arm around her and whispered, "Nothing unexpected is going to happen TO you. You are seeing everything that will happen." I must say, I thought it was a beautiful service. We did not receive communion because we are not Roman Catholic...and of course, our view of the sacraments are different. I had encouraged Ellie to make observations while we were there. I told her to take everything in and we would discuss it later. The diversity was noticeable. The liturgy was longer. The Latin was different. It was really cold. The incense was s.t.r.o.n.g so the fans HAD to keep moving. I was sure that she would have noticed all of those things. When we left she said two things: 1) "Can we get a sno cone?" 2) "You saw everything I did so..."
On Sunday during worship one of our Elders read John 20. I was captivated by Lord's desire to give peace. PEACE. Do I need to tell you how many times in a day i feel unrest? disillusionment? confusion? the effects of the fall are real in me...but Christ gives peace. quiet. rest. order. hope. Life.

We had Easter Lunch at my Mom's. This year felt a little different. My grand-mother and great-aunt were there, with one uncle who has not lived the greatest life. Their health is failing quickly. They are dealing with old age, forgetful minds and feeble bones. One is spiritual and two are not. There is a fight to hold on to what used to be and a resistance to accept what is. We took lots of pics, thanked God for His grace through Christ and watched the kids play in the backyard. My great aunt brought a friend with her from her assisted living place. She cannot remember her last name but she knows Elvis and that she played basketball in high school.
One Day...One day we will all sit in that same seat. we will be quirky, forgetful and clumsy. we will not remember things that define us at this moment. I know that the unknown scares my aging relatives. I know that they feel alone in the midst of family and friends. They say that "the world no longer looks the same."
When I think about the things that cause so much commotion in my life i wonder "Why?" "Why am I wasting my day/time on this?" "Why am I building my kid's memories of home with this block?""Why am I putting so much emotion into this?" Sitting at the table that day with my aged family at times felt suffocating. But this thought came to me, "Nothing unexpected is going to happen TO you. You are seeing everything that will happen." Awesome. It will all culminate in "growing old". Yippeee! BUT Christ says, "Don't forget the PEACE!" In this life you are going to have trouble...but I am giving you PEACE."
One of the main truths that I left the mass with that Thursday evening was the real presence of Christ. My hope? Christ in me. He has made me his own and he gives me real peace.He has given me His real presence. He offers me life beyond this life...and beyond the grave. Thanks be to God who has given me the victory in Christ Jesus.

New Places

My girls are growing up. I was talking to a friend tonight relaying our "happenings" for the weekend. I was pulling into Starbucks kid free. Ellie was spending the night with a friend. Abby had gone to a church event with a friend. Lu & Zoe were about to go to bed and Greg was finishing up the sermon for Sunday. She said, "Wow." I had not really reflected on how quickly time had passed. 5 years ago last month we were finalizing an adoption with a little one who was going to take a lot of attention and energy for the next several years. There really hasn't been much time to stop and think about how far we have come as a family. We are functioning- healthy, happy & grateful - in awe of the goodness and grace of God.
My five year old is giving us glimpses into her "more developed" personality. She has a large vocabulary with absolutely no concern for context. It has been interesting to watch her try to find her place in this white family without the ability to fully process her unique situation. She knows that she's not white. She knows that she's brown. But she's just not sure if it's okay to call attention to our obvious differences. She carries many unanswered questions with her everyday. Sometimes they slip out in my presence however, most of the time she whispers them to her imaginary friend. I think that she is making sense in her own way and in her own time, i pray, that she can see the blessing of that is her world.
Ellie, my 9 year old, is still with me everyday. My home school experience with her has not been difficult at all. She is a hard worker who knows that if she'll just get in there and get everything done- then the rest of the day is hers. She has such a compassionate heart and seems to connect the dots effortlessly. She has an ability to take an abstract concept and apply it in real life. She is going to start volunteering some this year and i am excited to see her interact with other people on this level. She's so fun to have around.
There is really too much to say about this little muffin to sum up in one sentence. If you've read my blog for anytime at all you know that Lucy has come SO far. She is about to start reading. She meets with a friend of mine twice a week who is working with her on some educational goals. She stopped taking her supplements about 18 days ago and she is doing maaahvelous! i am so happy to see her "fully present". I have no idea what to attribute this too other than growth spurts, prayer & her feeling of safety. That probably makes no sense to any of you unless you have walked down this same path of foster and adoptive care. i am praying for her continued growth and stability. She loves to sing, learn and dance. She is a JOY!
My oldest, Abby, is teaching me everything about parenting & and is breaking me in pretty quickly. She is almost 12 and is growing up to be a fantabulous person. FUNNY, easy to spend time with and a gentle spirit. She is about to finish 5th grade at the Christian school. She wants to live everyday of her life. It kills me that i can look at her today and see glimpses of the woman that she will soon be - the way she looks, laughs, talks, etc. She is fun to hang out with. In fact, as i am typing this she is trying to make me laugh by lip-synching the title song from Dog the Bounty Hunter.
My point in writing all of this is just to reflect on 1) How quickly life happens & 2) How gracious the Lord has been to us to give us this great life with these great kids. As many of you know, our home is on open status again for foster/adoptive care. I am excited to see who the Lord will send our way. What kid will change our lives by his/her presence in the world? What child will continue to mold & shape us into who we are to be? The Lord is so dynamic. He is always working His good will and pleasure. What an exciting time to be alive.

it's been a while...

but i've go something brewing! need a little down time so i can write...there in lies the problem. :) happy kids, busy mom.

tonight

tonight, like every other night, i am up way to late. i have noticed that the older my children get the greater demands there seem to be. i am using demands in the sense of non-negotiables. we have more to discuss, organize, manage and create. as our oldest learns greater responsibility, which frees us to a certain degree, we have to deal with the fact that our child that requires more care requires more time. so there is a give and take, but as you all know, it often feels like more is being taken. however, i have caught myself today- in middle of setting the table, doing the dishes, typing a blog, pausing to be caught up in the reality of God's unfailing love toward me. I have been absorbed today in the idea of being seen and captured by the Lord of this Universe. I have unwillingly focused today on the fact that we are a part of a Greater Story...one that we are not the center of. We are clay. He is the Potter. i must admit that over the past several years, i have come to empathize with the immigrant. One who's native land is foreign to the place where he or she resides. i am speaking in a spiritual sense. when i woke up the day after my dad died- everything looked different. not bad- just sharper. things that had my attention the day before didn't seem quite as pressing the day after. that's how i feel today. Aware. akward and a little clumsy...but Awake.
now- i need sleep.

i've been following this blog for a while...

http://aplacecalledsimplicity.blogspot.com/2011/02/if-god-told-me-to-i-would.html

love to hear your thoughts. i have felt this same disdain for excuses throughout the years. greg has often said that most of the time people aren't actively engaging the idea of foster/adoption & orphan care...they are just excusing themselves from it. we need never gripe about any group who does what we, the church, should do for the oppressed. we, of all people, should be sacrificing our comfort, pleasure and selfish pursuits to love, parent, treasure & welcome into the church- the least of these. this is the true fast. do not expect your children to one day do what they do not see you model now. the messiness of the gospel, the messiness of the incarnation, the mundane, normal, christian life involves us living, embracing, and struggling through our own discomforts and dealing with our sin, to provide life for those who have no hope.

I love (stuff) too much

I am writing this now but will post it later. At this time my husband and I are involved in what we would consider to be an extensive fast. We have fasted in the past- but never at the same time. So far, during this time, I have fractured my foot, our washer has gone out, we had the worst fight of our 15 years of marriage, we had to buy a new dishwasher, and last night our heater went out- and it just so happens that it is the coldest day of the year thus far. Simultaneously, we felt led to foster care again, someone gave us $1000 on the day that our heater died and our spiritual awareness has sharpened markedly and my concern for earthly goods has drastically diminished. I am seriously aware of how quickly these goods waste away.(my body included) I am also keenly aware of the trust I put in things of the world and the immeasurable amount of comfort that they bring to me. God save me!
I pray for grace to persevere in this fast. It feels as if it will go on forever. I know that I can do it because the past keeps reminding me. But I must confess: Though my face is not long -my heart is. I miss Eating. I miss feeling physically full. But I must confess- I hate feeling out of control. My eating-worship habits have been crazy. I rarely deny myself of anything. So capturing this desire has made me feel strongly indebted to the Lord who has given me the power in Christ to conquer this Maniac that seeks to devour me through my own devouring. Whether that is shopping, giving my opinion, having my way, choosing to be distracted rather than engaged or beginning my day with Matt Lauer instead of Jesus Christ. Whatever the sin may be- it is still sin.
It is unbelief.
I think that during this time we have sacked up and given away about 25 bags of clothes, toys and junk. Stuff that we like, things that make us feel good about ourselves, and make others feel good about us. These things tend to woo me away from the God that whispers, "Be in the world not of the world". I must confess, I like quirky things. i like to hold on to stuff i might need. i like to "pass down". guess what- i think the lord has freed me from this. i pray that this is the case. i pray that he, in his grace, effectually moves me to hold on loosely to everything as a provision for that day alone. (Give us this day our daily bread.)

It's almost 2011

So i have done an awful job blogging for the last several months. honestly, we have been a little busy. we have had such a great opportunity to speak at some remarkable events concerning foster care, hospitality, orphan care & racial equality this past year. we very seldom say no to these opportunities because we are truly concerned & driven by the lord to do so. also, in trying to be involved in our community, we have committed to some local "causes" that we are passionate about. advocacy is such a key-phrase that is used today, however, there are some categories of humanity that Christ specifically mentions all throughout scripture- the sojourner, the impoverished, the widow, the orphan (fatherless). we do not have to look far to identify these folks. what is a sojourner? a person who stays for a time in a place or lives temporarily here. as americans, we tend to view investment in what it will yield us. If someone tells you, "I'll only be here 6-8 months" you might be tempted to not give all that you have because you will not be the one to benefit from the fruit of your investment. in leviticus (holy bible) we are told to leave a portion for the sojourner -more than once. truth be known- anything we give has been given to us. we are always giving as receivers. the freedom and blessing in understanding this is transformational. we create space for others in our world. this is not a discussion on boundaries - obviously there are priorities rather it is about not making excuses in community-living. i am raw with awareness since my brother and his family moved 4,952 miles across the ocean. i pray everyday that a family will open their home to them. that a person will help them, teach them, include them and reassure them that they are "seen" and valued.
who are the widows? a man or woman who has lost his or her spouse by death and has not remarried. we all have parents, family members, neighbors, church family members, who are alone. this is where we start. going out of our way to include, care for, have in our home for meals, special occasions, holidays, sunday lunch, shopping, grooming, appointments, taking to them to sonic or starbucks, etc. this is not an easy task. sometimes, most of the time, it is a very mechanistic endeavor. it is one that crushes Me. not all widows/widowers are old. some are younger and full of energy. some are deeply depressed and struggle to survive under the weight of loss and grief. some need to be reminded that they are not forgotten and that someone hears their voice and that someone sees them in their hopeless state. our culture is geared toward couples. we should work to include, befriend and value the single in our world. we were created to live in relationship to one another. i have often thought of a widow that i know, who has a grown child with special needs. she will never have grand children and she will always have her child at home. who will assume responsibility for her child when she dies. how does she deal with the grief of knowing that she will never engage in the "grand-children" discussion with her peers? she has little common ground with anyone, other than her deceased husband. how can we offer hope? how can we engage and include her? what can my children do consistently to shed light on her?
who are the impoverished? those reduced to poverty; deprived of strength, vitality, creativeness, etc. i tend to believe that the impoverished includes those with special needs or mental illness that are lost in society. they are under the care of the state: nursing homes, group homes, or homeless. i feel a real ripping, tug-of-war going on inside of me concerning how we "deal" with these people. we were laughing at a status update from one of our friends the other day who said that he heard some college students call a homeless person a hobo. it made me wonder if that student had any friends or acquaintances who were homeless or hungry. please hear me- this is not an indictment on you if you do not. it is however a plea to "open your eyes". many of the people that we have befriended don't really want anything from us. they usually don't want us to find them a place to live or to try and "fix" there situations. honestly, some of them cannot survive in the everyday maintaining of a stable environment. not always...but that has just been my experience. most just want a friend. they might need help in some scenarios, but not always. some just need friends in the same way that you and i need friends. these relationships can be exhausting - for one person. however, we are called to them- as a people, a body, the church. our church body befriended a man. he lived at our church building for several months, worshiped with us, ate with us at the building and in our homes. cooked meals for us in mutual fellowship, he did his laundry and took his showers in our elders' homes. and one day, he left. and guess what- he stole nothing. he destroyed nothing. he lived and moved on. i wish that he would've stayed and grown with this body, but he did not. was it for not? i think not. i had a brother who was homeless for half of his life and died a homeless alcoholic on the street. my prayer would be that the body of Christ would have made an attempt to be hospitable, compassionate, neighborly and moved by grace to embrace him, care for him and encourage him. he was a believer with numerous addictions and failures. just like me. thanks be to God that i am not homeless and that my addictions have not overtaken me.
who are the orphans? a child who has lost both parents through death, or, less commonly, one parent. according to scripture, it is a child without a father. oh my. we shouldn't have to look far to find an orphan. a man, who i have much respect for, who is retired, has recently started a non-profit to place children of imprisoned parents in stable homes, until they are released. there is a great need for parents in our society. one of my friends, who is single, had a 2 year old placed in her home the week before Christmas. a family that we worship with weekly, after raising their bio children, adopted 10 kids. why not? seriously. why would you not give your life for these? it is a great question that we all should ask ourselves. greg and i have many times discussed this idea. we hear so many people say,"i could never" or "i don't have the room" or "there's no space" or "i don't have the money". in our estimation, most of these are excuses. there are some legitimate concerns to think about, however, most of the time it causes one's brain to hurt to think about all of the re-orienting of their time, the shaving away of their vacation and the energy that they must exert to really invest in the life of another. the understanding that "visit the orphan" that James speaks of is more than just a "visit" as you and i define "visit".
i am wresting with ideas of how to work this yeast into the dough of my girl's lives. project-less living. an issue-free, Christ-centered, gospel- fueled, people-embracing life.
i am a complete failure on all fronts. many times my actions are full and my heart is empty. but the one thing i know is that i was a slave, i was an orphan, i was impoverished BUT God, being rich in mercy, rescued me.