rest.

it was so nice to get to go away this weekend with a friend. i actually slept through the night last night. my kids are not great sleepers. it seems like every night i am awakened by at least one of them. it's not fun. however, as they get older they seem to make up for all of their lost sleep and want to hibernate for days. as i am reflecting on the past two days i am thoughtful of tomorrow. as believers, we begin our week with Rest. yes, we start our week with Rest and we live the remainder of the week with an eye and heart to "entering our Rest" again with the approaching week. REST. it means so much to me right now. when i was growing up, different leaders would say, "you come to church to perform for an audience of One." i understood that they were saying, "don't worry about others around you. just worship the Lord who sees you." the problem, however, is this- We come to Worship to see God perform. He is speaking. He is giving us gifts (communion, baptism, community). His Glory is on display. We even worship as receivers. Thanks be to God! So tomorrow morning, as you get the kids dressed, fed, listen to the arguing that comes naturally in families, grab your coffee, and as you run out the door, remember- it is worth it. Why? Because the God of the universe, the One who formed you and chose you, says, "Come unto Me & I will GIVE you REST."

mixed emotions

happy & weird. we are so happy for one of our girls who heard her birth mom's voice for the first time in her life yesterday. she said, "i'm a little nervous since i've never met her in my...well...entire life...ever." if you are a parent imagine what it would be like to hear your baby's voice for the first time as a 9 year old. it's a little overwhelming to think about. it was a sweet conversation. when her mother answered the phone i said, "she's a little nervous to talk to you...ok? but she's just going to ask you a bunch of questions. are you o.k.," i asked. "Well, i'm nervous too." she said. i handed our daughter the phone before i lost my composure. it is a little surreal to hear your child tell the God-ordained woman, who chose to give her life and not abort her, that she "would need to ask her parents before she could meet her face-to-face." it's such a messy world. but thanks be to God that He is already all we need. sad. we are so sad for another daughter who was crushed by her own sadness in realizing that her birth mom is not in a place where she can make contact right now. she pretended for a moment that she was her birth mom and tried to imagine why she was unable to make this connection. "maybe she's scared," she said. "maybe she has other kids." "maybe she..." she searched for reasons. "what do you think we can do about this?" her daddy asked. "maybe we can pray for her." she stated -feeling defeated and alone. "maybe we can call the agency again." sounding a tad more hopeful. the sad fact, however, is that she knows that their is a mom- her mom-that she has never seen. as she, my insightful 7 year old, says, "imagine you were born and you never got to open your eyes and see her face." those words, from her, make my heart implode. heavy and crushing. no matter the circumstances...i wish she could see her. there is no way to prepare yourself for the emotions that you feel on the journey of adoption. you can prepare for it about the same way you prepare for a traumatic birthing/c-section experience. a lot of techniques and ideas. they are helpful but still lacking. we are doing things now that we swore we would never do. why? because it is best for our children. inconvenient? yes. messy? yes. best? yes.

Let's have lunch.

(This is a little difficult to read-for some reason it is not saving my spacing and paragrahs! sorry...it all smashed together! BOO!) Many arguments have flooded my mind this week. There have been numerous discussions amoung my peers, around the table, in the aisle of the market and on the phone. I have been wondering what I would really feel free to write once i sat in front of this computer. I have yet to find a topic that people are more opinionated on than home education. I have to be honest: For the life of me, I cannot figure out why this is such a hot topic. As i sit here, legs crossed, in the middle of my couch, i am staring at pictures of my five children. Three of these are children that my husband and I sought out. We took hours of classes, spent alot of money for homestudies and took cpr/first aid classes. We went through state agencies to secure their adoptions. WE are their parents. Our other two have benifitted from the education that we received through this process. So, all of their little faces are gazing upon me as i write this. They are ultimately our responsibility. We never intended on home-educating our children. In fact I remember using words like, "cruel, unnatural, and isolating" in regard to this idea. I have heard words such as, "weird, dorky, anti-social, and a**holes" as of late. The idea seems to infuriate some and baffle others. Why would someone choose this form of education? Why would someone deny their child access to the public system and the opportunity to interact with other kids and diverse ideas? This blog will not address any of those questions. We have chosen the responsibility of educating our children in the way that we think is best for all of them. So have you. If you are a parent your child's education is your responsibilty. You may not give it much thought. You may think that you're doing the only thing that you can do. You may not care. You may be thrilled and content with what you have chosen...Great! It is your responsibilty. We have had our children in every scenario and have had good experiences in all of them. Our reasons for home-educating are far more complex than thinking "we can meet all of our child's needs." Here is the issue: What compells an individual to give their unsolicited opinion, to me, about my decision to educate my children at home? It happens almost weekly. Teaching your children at home is not what you think. Yes, we have a plan. We have a curriculum. We complete our work and we grade our work. But we, my family, do not sit in desk. Where do your children sit when they do their homework? Well, it functions quite the same way in our house. Ellie has her 2 week assignment sheet for all of her studies. English, Math, Reading & Writing. She is also reading a book and taking notes on Texas History. She is slowly working her way through a Classical Cursive book that i am forcing her to complete. :) sound familiar? Her current library series is "A Series of Unfortunate Events". Most of her work is done in her room, under her loft bed, with her laptop. She is also in gymnastics. Abby is home three days a week and attends a university model school two days a week. She is currently in Worldviews, Latin 1 (which includes History) & Math. She is reading The Deadliest Monster - which compares and contrast the two previous books, Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and Frankenstien. Next year she is registered for Latin 2, Pre Algebra and Spanish 1. She will begin Omnibus, through veritaspress.com with several other friends in the fall. She is in competitive cheer and DI. In many ways, she is just like your 13 year old. She is learning how to interact with the world. She is insecure about her height and she gets her braces off next week. The only difference is that she does her school work in a different venue. She usually sits at her desk, in her room, facing a big window. She has her own computer too - which has served us well. She burns the midnight oil weekly completing projects or preparing for test. The little girls (1st & 2nd grade) do exactly what you imagine. We read, read, read. We write, sing, color & cook. They play together all day. We meet with two other families every Monday for Geography and Missions. My goal with all of the girls, has always been, for everyone to be on target by 3rd grade. IF this is a reasonable goal for them. We usually sit at the dining room table for writing & Math. However, Lucy Grace likes to open all of the blinds on the 4 tall windows surrounding my bed and lay there, in the sun, to read. She has just started Charlott's Web. Why do I tell you all of this? I feel that their is a HUGE misunderstanding about what is, or is not, going on in the homes of home-school families. My kids have been interrogated in the grocery store, by other shoppers usually, about what they are doing in school. I am not saying that it is wrong to ask my kids if they are reading a fun book- but don't start quizzing them in the line at Walgreens. GEEZ! Don't assume that we are not doing anything -because most of our work can be completed in 3 hours. That leaves the remainder of the day for other things. My children are not geniuses and I am not a super mom because of this choice. It is okay if you have a strong opinion about "homeschoolers" because you had a "bad experience with some of them." The truth is: I have had bad experiences with public school kids AND private school kids AND home-school kids. However, when you tell me, in passing, where your kids go to school - i do not say, "Oh I don't agree with that!" really? on what planet does that make sense? I am not living for you. I have a friend who is of a different political persuasion than me. What i DID NOT say to her was, "How can you be that stupid? I don't agree with you being part of that Party. HOW can you be a Christian and support these people?" Rather, I asked if we could have lunch so that she could give me some insight into her way of thinking. Show me how SHE was viewing this. I would welcome an invitation like that any day. Maybe...just maybe....your view of education has been too narrow. it amazes me when traditional, brick & morter schools, switch to ipads or off campus educational options, it is viewed as innovative. lots of home-educated kids have been doing this for years and it's been looked at as "not good enough". We live in mobile, globally connected world. we are no longer an isolated, little, house on the prarie. not that their is anything wrong with that! we are contributing, active members of society who take education & community connected-ness seriously. We do not all home-school the same way or for the same reasons. Homeschooling is considered a private education in the State of Texas. That means that we are autonomous and choose our own curriculum. That means that if i am using a specific curriculum and i then place my child in a different school setting where a different curriculum is being used - my child will probably need time to adjust. It does not mean that they "don't know what they are doing BECAUSE they were homeschooled." Enough is enough. Some homeschool parents could say the same about their child's education after bringing them home from a traditional classroom. Let's try to believe that everyone is trying to do what they think is best for their child. It is not merely an indictment on your choice because I choose something different. If I HAD to narrow it down to our top 3 reasons for homeschooling they would be....

Catch up.

I have not posted in over a year. i have never typed those words before. i am constantly proofing commentary in my head...i feel like Will Ferrell in Stranger Than Fiction...constantly hearing the narration of his events. i have absolutely no idea why i am like this. maybe it is becaure i love being part of a Story. i mean...it amazes me that there is purpose and connection in everthing. Amos was adopted on my 40th birthday. wow. he is now 2 years old and into everything.shortly after his adoption everything seemed to go haywire for a while. ellie, my now 11 yr old, began a year of hospitalization. she was in Childrens Hospital 12 times in a year for 3-6 day stays at a time. we have since discovered that she has a genetic mutation. one little gene...that should produce a protien to protect her pancrease against pancreatitis...does not. she is on medicine now and has been home for 2 months. needless to say- we are beyond thankful. Life has gone from fast to furious since our oldest turned from 12 to 13. all of the activities and "well-rounding" can develop a life of it's own. pulling the reigns in and letting them out is a dance that we are learning like every other parent our age. i am so thankful that we are with her during the day, everyday. she does attend a university model school, two days a week, that has been such a blessing for the past two years. her DI team will go to Globals in about 3 weeks. i am really proud of her for working so hard. my two little girls are growing up too fast. lu & zoe are passionate about everything! i must say, they keep us all on our toes. they are such a joy. We are enjoying the day to day. We are loving our church...and God has blessed it with growth, families & life. we are busy all of the time. life with 5 kids is everything that you can imagine and more. we are very blessed. i cannot imagine life without any of my children. I am excited about several upcoming opportunities to teach on foster and adoptive care. because we live this in HD...i love the opportunities to share about our experience. God has really stretched me this year. He has, in many ways, shown me a crisper picture of my desire to hold on to "goods and kindred". i am ashamed of my lack of trust. i see my need for Him more clearly this year than the last.

Almost Amos.

i used to have a difficult time understanding the Biblical concept of "the now and the not yet." when we began our journey of adoption, and i must say-that's exactly what it's been: a journey- the clouds began to part for me. It is a very odd reality. to be living as a parent but to not really have the final say on anything concerning the child that you are parenting. it is an emotional roller coaster...even when you're prepared. living in the in-between is exhausting, testing, joyful, fulfilling and sad- all at the same time. knowing that we are nearing the end of our fostering and turning the corner to adoption is just the same. i want to use this post to pull back the curtain a bit. i have never found joy in a birth parent's final visit. this reality is a dichotomy. one can know all the facts about a situation and know that the child would be best in another home and still grasp the sad truth that a mother or father is saying goodbye to their child. walking away differently. some will never look back. others will. someone can be on drugs, be unable to parent, or mentally handicapped and still really love their child. it is very difficult for those of us who function somewhat normally to understand this...and i get that. however, we were made to live for more than any of us are living for! any of us, had we had different parents, an adult that didn't protect us, made a decision toward addiction or immorality, or a God that didn't save us- could be in the same position. and the odd thing is- when i look at my child and she asks me, "do YOU love my birth mom?" i have to answer "yes...because they are a part of you and i. love. you." God help me if i ever loose compassion for the mother or father of my child. that being said...WHY i have to have permission from a birthparent who has made 3 visits in 7 months if i can cut my foster child's hair will forever baffle me...really. when i hear people say, "i could never be a foster parent because i would cry when i lose the kids." it frustrates me. i have never typed that before because i feel like it will really hack people off. but it's true. that is exactly the type of person who needs to do foster care! these children need connection. and really- it is hard. not just when they leave...but while they are in your space. when you are taking them to visits and helping them learn how to live in community. the odd thing is- during all of this "difficulty"- you connect. you grow to love the child. therein lies the roller coaster. there is such a great desire for people to value and love the child as much as you do...and that doesn't always happen. and guess what- you carry that pain for them - just like you do with your birth children. in 2004, greg and i were discussing the possibility of opening our home. we had our idea of what we wanted. guess what- we didn't get a phone call for who we thought we were going to get. we got a call for a sibling set that was just a little younger than our girls. we had to decide quickly. i will NEVER forget the phone conversation we had concerning these kids. i remember us coming to a point of saying, "if our kids were in cps custody, and a couple like us was called (christians, mom stays home, modest house but enough space) and that couple said, 'well, we really had this other kind of kid in mind -so no' we would be devastated." thinking about these kiddos as if they were your own will truly change your perspective. it was through that foster placement that our third daughter came home to us. PTL for His sovereignty in spite of our stupidity. when those children showed up at our house we cried with them because they were so frightened. i am sure our case worker thought we were total whack jobs. and when she left we cried because we thought, "what did we just commit to?" But guess what- in two weeks everything seemed normal again...it just took a little time. when we got the phone call from a private agency concerning our fourth daughter i remember them telling me about the adoption cost and i replied, "reeeeally?" when i communicated our financial angst the sweet lady on the other end- she said, "do you have any savings?" to which i replied, "well, let me put it to you like this-my husband's birthday is this week and we are going out to eat at On The Border and that's a big deal for us...so no, not really." little did we know that the deacons at our church were going to believe that the foster care epidemic is the church's problem and offer to pay all of the legal fees and that a couple of days later the agency would grant us the adoption of our precious baby girl...that we thought was a boy! God worked all of that out without any of our help. SO after planning for 2 kids and maybe adopting one boy...we now had 4 girls. we doubled in less that a year! and now...we have a little guy whose entire status is changing right before our eyes...and he knows nothing of it. unbelievable. there are no words that due justice to this remarkable occurrence. he is almost amos and i am almost his mom. greg is almost his daddy. and four girls are almost his sisters. we are almost home...not yet...but almost!

Adoption is...

difficult.

we are in our 9th year of foster/adoptive care. i must say that we were completely ill-equipped to enter this ministry. i hope that you find encouragement and comfort in those words. seriously, if we can do it- anyone can. that being said-it's not for everyone. i have friends in the adoption world that will completely disagree with me on that point. they hold to the conviction that as long as they have an empty bed and there is a child that needs one- then they should adopt them. i am not criticizing their view because my friends who believe this way are not idiots. they are not uneducated. they just believe differently than i do.

today was by far the most difficult of all days.

when people say, "I've had my child since birth" so as to eliminate themselves from the difficulties concerning adoptees- they are naive. their child has been carried in the body of another woman for 9 months. they share the same everything. they have the same neurochemistry, same DNA, they have eaten the same foods, listened to the same music, and they recognize their mother's voice. they can be soothed by simply being laid on their mother's chest. Every child has a history- even if they come home at 41 weeks. For some of them, their mom's have been in turmoil since the day they discovered that they were pregnant. For others their was addiction. Some of the mom's & dad's loved their child so much that placing them was the most difficult & most responsible decision that they ever made. But they were with them...inside of them...for 9 months.

our children have no memory of their birth parents.

we have always been open with our kiddos concerning their story. it is theirs. i would want to know my story. imagine knowing nothing about your family and trying to piece together anything. Not knowing who you resemble or the details of their life. not understanding the "whys" of your placement. wondering if you've seen your birthparents unknowingly. it's all very overwhelming when you think about it. we share any pictures, memories, special gifts from relatives, etc. with them. and we talk it to death...when they need to. and when they "need to" can be completely unpredictable.

today was one of those days.

i went to the grocery store early this morning. when i returned, greg was in the middle of "redirecting, re-doing, time in" with said child. it was a battle in process. by the time it was over all was good but i knew something more was evolving. one of the many things that we have learned after much reading and many hours of training is that when children from hard places act crazy-they are usually scared. when they act angry- they are usually sad. we have seen much anger in the last several months. we discussed it last night and came to the agreement that age, felt safety, and several other factors are producing more of these outburst. 15 minutes later and we were right back in the vortex. i directed the child to the living room where we sat on the floor and i began to probe. "Why do you think you're feeling so angry?" She answered harshly with, " Everyone is mean and i feel like a piece of trash that's been thrown out." That's pretty complex & descriptive for someone who was just suppose to be finding their flip-flops. "Well, it sounds to me like you're sad. What do you think you could be sad about? Sometimes when we're sad we treat people the way we feel." it was instantaneous. She softened and began to weep. She said, "I don't want to hurt you, but I i just want to go to (city) and find my birth mom and tell her that i love her and i want to make sure that she's not making bad choices." For the record- we have NEVER said that she made "bad choices". We have always talked about the great choice that she made to "place her with us." She wept for close to thirty minutes. I held her and wept with her because you know, when you are a mom, you hurt when your babies hurt...especially when you can do nothing about it! I prayed with her that "her mom's heart would be changed and that she would, if it was God's will, call the agency and ask for everything that this child has sent to her." after a while we went to the table for her to draw a picture. i thought this would help her to calm down and hopefully serve as therapy in some way. She said, "I want to draw a picture of me & her to sleep with under my pillow." After a bit, she was through and the "moment" was over.

It comes on fast, and ends abruptly.

She had a snack and the rest of her day was pretty rough. Around 3:30 I made her lay down for a nap because I was so emotionally drained. She slept until 6:30. After dinner I spent some exclusive time with her in order for her to know that we were okay. It ended with Junie B. Jones and a bowl of chips.

To say that I love her is an understatement. I was born to be her mother.

So why do I post all of this?

Because it is important for everyone to know that this is what it looks like. Real life is messy. It is important for you to know that my child is grieving. not symbolically- in real life. she is grieving someone that she has no memory of...and she really loves her...and she knows that she is her "real" mom....and she knows that she is not with her...and that's a very difficult reality to compartmentalize. it bleeds like a crazy cut to the jugular and it soaks to the core of every aspect of her life...and by our choice...ours too! if we do not embrace her suffering and help her carry it- she will stop talking and she will bleed to death internally. It is so important that our families, churches and schools understand what is going on in their little brains and it is important for us to make space for them to figure out their place in the Greater Story.

Life is short....engage.

Isn't it amazing how the most difficult circumstances are usually accompanied by the sweetest gifts. Mother Theresa said, "Suffering is the kiss of Jesus." Sharing in His suffering brings sweet intimacy with Him.

Upon Further Review

The last year has been difficult to say the least. I always rag on whiney blogpost, however, this is going to sound like one!
In July, my oldest daughter, was in bed for the month. Her Dr. ran a lot of test, blood work, every type of scan...etc. On August 1-8, she, my mother and I traveled to Europe to see my brother and his family. When we returned she rested and I assumed that she was feeling better, just tired from the trip. Two days after the trip we received a phone call asking us to provide foster care for a little boy that "would probably me be moving in with family but they just needed time to get it all worked out." We said, "Yes!" feeling that this would be a good time to get our feet wet again in foster care. The next week my oldest daughter started 6th grade. She still wasn't feeling great. I was convinced that she had a strain of mono and pulled her out of her dance classes and extra after school stuff. Two weeks later I was pulling her out of school completely treating pneumonia and whatever else this was. Less than a week later our pediatrician referred us to Children's Hospital in Dallas. We had an appointment in Infectious Diseases. I didn't feel that worried. I did, however,feel very self-concious. I could tell when discussing this with people that they were skeptical about how sick she really was. I do not believe that anyone thought I was crazy- just an over-concerned parent. The Dr.'s came in and asked us probably 100 questions. They ran a lot more blood test and then sent us home. Less that a week later, the Dr. called to let me know that Abby had an infection called histoplasmosis. She had been treated for pneumonia twice and he felt confident that she was on the road to recovery...but did say that she would not fully recover until Summer.
At the same time that we are nursing her back to health- we are nursing a newborn. Well, not really nursing. But you get the point. We now had a little guy that was 4 months old, he was pre-mature by 2 months, so our sleep was lacking severely. We were growing to love him so the sleepless nights, albeit not fun, were worth it!
This is beginning to sound whiney....and it's about to get a little worse. My husband works 2 jobs, we now have 5 kids, 1 of which is in bed recovering, 1 of which is sleeping all day and wakey-wakey all night, and 3 who need to be educated. Ellie really is somewhat self sufficient when it comes to her math, reading & history. So it was not hard...it just WAS. Lu & Zoe needed to learn to read because that's a pretty big precursor to being successful in life and graduating one day. Needless to say, the stress was up and the sleep was down.
Three weeks ago, Ellie turned 10! She hit double digits. And you have to know her. She is so fun and grateful for ANYTHING & EVERYTHING. Well, Grams hooked her up with a night at Great Wolf Lodge. We eat gluten free over here at the Fields' house simply put: because I need one more thing to manage. So the ONE thing Ellie wanted was to eat gluten on her bday weekend. What the heck! You only live once. We had a blast at GWL, came home Saturday evening, got up to go to Worship Sunday morning and Ellie is s.i.c.k.! She stayed in bed nauseated Sunday, Monday & Tuesday. On Wednesday, which happened to be her birthday, I got up to cook her the breakfast that she wanted. She comes walking into the kitchen and let's just say, "It was ugly!" She was doubled over in pain and wretching. I have never seen her so sick. We went to the pediatrician at 1:30, then to the ER & then we were transported to Children's at 11 p.m. that evening. They diagnosed her with pancreatitis and kept her there until Sunday. Greg took off work Wednesday afternoon and returned on Tuesday morning.
The next week everything seemed to start to ease up. We went to Worship the following Sunday all together. It was really interesting because for some reason that day everyone seemed to be asking me questions about our foster son's status. It had been a week when people were not showing up for the visits and I felt bad for him, as well as the entire situation. I sat down in the pew, with all of the questions still on my mind, the last week still fresh and the last several months still fresh. The under toe was trying to draw me under when our pianist began to play, "This is my Father's World." A flood of emotion swept over me at once, a Stillness that can only be explained One way, and a Peace that I could not explain if I tried.
This is my Father's world.
O let me ne'er forget
that though the wrong seems oft so strong,
God is the ruler yet.
This is my Father's world:
why should my heart be sad?
The Lord is King; let the heavens ring!
God reigns; let the earth be glad!
So I worshipped...
and right before the sermon began...
Ellie gave me a look that said, "I'm not okay."
So...back we went to Children's. Praise the Lord that another pastor's wife in town, who is also a nurse in Big D, happened to have her phone with her and she met me at home and got us to and into the hospital a little more quickly. With med's and assurance we left the hospital that evening, came home and we are good to go. i hope....and back to gluten-free!
And you know....that's Life. All of the good mixed with all of the bad. And the Truth that God rules it ALL. So tonight I will rest like a baby...or better than any babies in this house, knowing that God Is. I will rest knowing that He is Enough. And, I will rest knowing that this is His world!