"The Greatest of These is Love..."

So, last night, in the wee hours...i posted. well, i thought i posted. it obviously did not "post"...it evaporated.

i talked about "connection". the connection that a parent feels with their child. this connection is scarey because it is never broken, not even in death. it is not broken by rebellion, seperation or illness. that is what makes me "fearful". I have friends who have lost "touch" with their children for various reasons and their lives seem "fractured". It's as if a mirror has slipped out of their pocket, fallen to the ground and shattered...but it is held in place by the frame. You're not sure if you should keep it or throw it away...it almost mocks at you - "Can't you just throw me away and go on?" or "I am still good...You can still see your reflection in me, can't you?"

i experienced for the very first time this week what i have been warned about for several years...

Just two weeks ago things were "different". Abby just didn't notice certain things. She's very smart...in fact she is a great communicator. She is very insightful and sensetive. She is dramatic, uninterrupted, and "full". I would say things jokingly to her like, "I want you to stop growing up." or "Abby, when you grow up will you still sit in my lap?" But this week something happened...

She really showed signs of "growing up".

The ability to make connections unlike before, an understanding about concepts that were a little too heavy just 14 days ago, and confessions. That's right - "confessing"...telling us about things that she has done over the past 2 years at home, school, at friend's houses, and at McDonald's. And don't get nervous...there has been no drug trafficing, no auto theft, and no explosives ....just normal 5-7 year old disobedience. However, we didn't know any of it. I guess we really still wouldn't have to know any of it. We do however, really want to keep her talking to us! :)

The point is...we have been "here" and she is still independent of us in so many ways.

I am very "aware" of this right now because this is the first time that i have actually "felt" this type of connection.

I didn't feel this when I dropped her off at school or a birthday party....

It is not about location or distance- it is about ... cooking.

that's right, cooking. You start with a recipe. Then you buy all of these seperate ingredients that have no relationship to one another. you mix them- powders, liquids, solids. You cook them and you get - children. I mean, all of these random things happened and now i have a seven going-on-twenty-seven year old living in my house.

She WILL make choices in her life that I will not agree with...but they will affect me. She WILL choose to do things that I will have no say in...I feel as if my "say" is now. Once she is mature- I am the "resource". No matter what- I am "there". This is really humbling and a bit over-whelming....

I think that because we want the best for our kiddos we tend to "obsess" over every little thing. This is because we are learning what the important things are...

we just don't know.

I mean... Are they going to get cancer if i let them drink a Diet Pepsi? What if I don't give them Raw Sugar and they have to eat things that are white? And what about Lysol? Should they be smelling aerosals? What if I let them watch Rugrats...Will they turn out like Angelica?

What if they make the one wrong choice that could change everything? (What ever that is.)

Today Abby read this verse to me, "Don't worry over anything whatever; whenever you pray tell God every detail of your needs in thankful prayer, and the peace of God, which surpasses human understanding, will keep constant gaurd over your hearts and minds as they rest in Christ Jesus."

constant gaurd....over MY heart.